"Am I supposed to pretend muggle-borns are in the same league as purebloods? Don't be foolish, Black. If you're that intent on being an idiot then that's your issue but it's clear who holds more power and it certainly isn't muggles and their offspring." Even if they happened to be magical. Severus had tried to avoid the topic but seen as things didn't get better when he asked not to talk about it, when he offered to apologise - to Sirius, not the mudblood - and then he tried to make amends. It always got worse. So why not intentionally make it worse? It felt more in control to do it.
"I have no pity for filth." Filth like his father. Muggles were inherently revolting. It was their nature. Pathetic, primate and entirely useless. "And you stopped being my friend long before I stopped trying. It was around the time James Potter became the only man you listen to."
Sirius' eyes widened, then narrowed. "You are full of it. Just look at the evidence. Lily Evans? Prefect and the most talented witch in our year, everyone knows that. Ever been on the receiving end of one of her hexes? And look at you. Look at Remus. Half-blood. Do you want to know what my mother thinks of half-bloods? Or even of the bloodtraitors that produce them? It's all a bunch of hogwash."
He scoffed, shaking his head. "Is that your issue? That I agree with James on that? It has nothing to do with James. I have my own eyes. My own mind. I'm here, Sirius Black. Heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. And I can tell you, my family is filth."
"You've never been on receiving end of a muggle though, have you?" Severus sneered as he slammed his hand on the table, not content with the bullshit Sirius was spewing out. Anger rarely took over him but now, he was struggling to hold it back. "You don't know a single muggle, you never have. I have. I know what they do and what they think, what they indoctrinate their children with. They are vile, cruel idiots with closed minds who hate and slaughtered merrily like barbarians. And you will stand here and tell me they are better? They're not more advanced than Chimpanzees."
As far as he was concerned, muggles were another breed. They were lesser, stupider and vastly outnumbered them. They were a threat. "The worst thing that happened was a muggle meeting my mother. She's a revolting bloodtraitor and I have no sympathy for her or anyone who ruins their heritage with such idiocy."
"Merlin, Severus! What do you think, that muggles are the only ones capable of being cruel? I'm not standing here in front of you and telling you that the world is good or that people are." And it wasn't as if he hadn't known, pretty much from the beginning, that Severus suffered at home. He had never thought much of it, because back then that had seemed like the norm. All the children in his family were scared of their parents to varying degrees. "Do you think it makes it better when my mother forces me to kneel, to beg, to scream in pain, just because she uses a wand instead of her hand? Is that noble?"
He shook his head. "It's people that are evil, that are rotten. Doesn't matter how pure they are."
"At least she matters. At least she is something." His father was a lazy drunk who did nothing but beat his mother and him. At least the Blacks had a legacy and mattered. "I know that all people are evil but I can tolerate it more from wizards who have an excuse to feel superior, not lesser muggles."
If it was up to him, he'd be against all people. Honestly, the pure blood thing was just something to lash out at. He didn't care much either way. What he cared about was making someone, anyone, hurt like he hurt. "If it was up to me, I would have wiped every single revolting human off this planet and only leave us!"
"Not all people are evil. I've met Remus' mother. She's a muggle and she's brilliant. The Potters are pure as the driven snow and they are grand too." Sirius shook his head. "I don't think it's our blood that's the problem. It's how we were treated. James doesn't get angry like I do. He's not cruel like we are."
Sirius wished, he really did, that he could be like James. That he could see the world the way this - who was so much like him - always had. "I don't want the world to be wiped out. You know I don't want that, right? You are talking nonsense anyway. As if you still want me around."
He spat it out like the rest, only letting it sink in afterwards. It showed on his face.
"Of course I want you around, why else do you bloody think I said sorry in the first place?" Cause it certainly wasn't remorse. He didn't regret what he did, just the consequences of what he did. "You're the only person in this world I have ever cared about and cared for. Even if to you, James Potter is always infinitely more, you are all I have. You are the one I l--"
He stopped himself before he said it, feel a bit heated. He turned away hastily and hid behind his dirty hair. He was so worked up, he was forgetting himself. "Believe I hate you. Whatever makes you happy."
"That doesn't make me happy." As was obvious from the look of his face to the sound of his voice. Sirius dropped the stupid sponge he was still holding on to and then he was suddenly right in front of Severus, staring at him, clutching his arm. "If you don't hate me, then why do you act like you do? If you care for me, then why don't you show it?"
No, he didn't know what he was looking for here, even as he was pretty much shaking Severus.
"Because I can't be James! I won't ever be him. Stop expected me to be someone I'm not. Do I look like someone who can just -- just be like that? Do you know me at all?" Severus stood no chance in a fist fight but he could shove Sirius back and make distance, not wanting him this close and questioning him in such a way. It hurt too much.
"I can't -- care like he cares. It's not in me. I can't act however you want. I can't hug you and be all over you, I can't understand it. I-- I'm not that kind of man." He wasn't even a man, not really. He was still a boy, desperate to be older and more powerful. He wanted to never be touched or harmed again.
"I know you are not James. I'm not James either! I want you to be you. You are Severus, you are my friend. We had ice cream after we met in Diagon Alley and we watched people and made fun of them. We've been friends since we met. I don't want another James." Sirius moved forward again, insistent, this time wrapping both arms entirely around Severus. He didn't want him to make distance. He didn't get why he seemed so intent on it. "I want to be friends with you, Severus. Why don't you want me anymore?"
"I want you more than I can stand and it's too much for me to handle." What was he supposed to do? Confess his love, get together and change his ways? Not possible. Sirius would never want him and he could never change. He knew what was in him, he knew he wasn't a good man. He sat in the grounds and slowly pulled legs off spiders for fun, he tortured the animals in the woods and poisoned first years for a lark. He knew Sirius would never love someone like him. "You don't want me. That's the real problem here. If you opened your eyes and stopped being blinded by goodness, you'd see what a rat I am. You pretend my flaws aren't there. It's not the same as accepting them."
"Why do you make it sound lie I don't have flaws? You know I do. I'm not that good. Don't you know that the real reason I hate dark magic is because I know there's darkness in me?" How could there not be? All that rage he sometimes failed to bottle up, all that distaste for the world and, yes, the haughtiness. Not just a feature to make his aristocratic looks translate better.
"But we can be together. We can have fun. And we can try to do good."
It was a weird thing to say aloud but it was true. When he was a boy, perhaps maybe once or twice, he considered helping others but it wasn't a priority. Truth was? He didn't much care. He would have felt worse about it but honestly, he couldn't bring himself to. "I'm not good. I can't do it. You are though. Darkness or not, you're always going to be leaning to the light. It's in you, you just don't see it."
"...I hope I will." Sirius just muttered it, feeling at a loss. Why was Severus talking like that? It was like having the floor pulled from under him. He was stroking the side of Severus' face. When had he started doing that? And why did he feel as if he was about to cry? He held the tears back, but the pain in his heart remained. Finally he spoke again, implored him. "Why are you putting us on opposite sides?"
"I never wanted to. I just don't think I can deny what I am. Do you think a man can change? I'm not so sure." He thought people didn't change - just circumstance and context. He would never not want power, he would never not want to hurt but he couldn't tell if he could ever challenge that into good or if he was destined for evil? The hand on his face made him wish he could be better, he wanted Sirius more than he wanted to breathe. "There's so much hate in me, I feel like I could choke on it."
"I think you aren't even a man yet." Not much of an insult, given they were in the same year. "You don't only have hate in you, right? You can't. I've seen it." He leaned their foreheads together and reached inside his shirt, pulled out the pendant he was still wearing. "You made that. That's not hate. You are more than all that. Why else would I like you so much? See? If you say that I like good, you're saying you got good inside you."
"You're my only spark of goodness in the world and I can't even keep you." So what did he even do? He wanted to badly to stay with Sirius but he knew what he wanted and to abandon it all? It felt too much. Too difficult. He had to choose between Sirius and the Dark Lord - and it wasn't an easy choice. He hadn't committed yet, he hadn't had his mark but he feared the time would come. He closed his eyes and leaned into Sirius, taking a sharp inhale and exhale. "I don't want to drive you away."
"Then don't. Why do you always talk about losing me? Losing us? You've been acting like our friendship is ending soon since the day it started. We are friends. Why would that ever change?" Sirius wanted to know, only he also didn't really want the answer. He wasn't stupid. He wasn't naive. It wasn't that hard to figure out what was on Severus' mind. "Fight with me, Sev. Not against me. Never."
"Because I hate to share. And if you're with Potter and his friends, you're not with me." And he hated that. He was jealous, envious and he wanted Sirius all to himself. He was petty and very aware of it but he couldn't change it. Reaching out, he stroked his fingers through Sirius' hair and then laughed a little. "How do you stand to be this close to someone as revolting as me? I made myself impossible to get near on purpose and yet, you never flinch when you get close. Why?"
"I don't get why you want to be revolting. But you didn't use to want that around me. So I know what you're really like. I know your smile, Sev." He brushed his lips briefly with his thumb and smiled himself, even if it was still uncertain. Still fearing how this conversation would go. Where it would all end. "I like you, Severus. I've always liked you, right? Doesn't mean I like everything you do or say. And you can be a git. But so can I."
"I only smile for you." The only person who earned one, who got a proper one. The only person who cared about him and liked to see him happy deserved to see his smile. "You're my only happy thought." Whenever they had a class and they were told to think of their happiest memory or their favourite moment, his was Sirius. And Sirius was also some of his worst memories. Like today. Like anything with James. "You will always be my happiness."
"Then believe it, yeah? You'll always be my friend. Friendship is stronger than whatever's coming. It's got to be." Sirius just wished. He wished so desperately for a future that he knew was unlikely to happen for him. But he could push that thought away, just focus on the present. "Always." He gave a nod.
Not for the mudblood, not for the wrong he did. Just that. Exclusively. "I'll try to do better in future. You have to know by now that I'd do anything I can for you. And maybe I can't do everything you want of me but I can try for you." The only person he would try for. "Are we... Are we still friends?"
"Yeah. Course we are." Sirius believed in friendship. He didn't want his friendship to fall apart. And Severus had been a part of him for so long. Part of his life. He couldn't bear the thought of that ending. Especially in a world where ending friendships might mean fighting on different sides.
He pulled back, shaking himself to try and get rid of the melancholy. Returning to the desk he was cleaning, he picked the sponge back up, trying to think of how to change the topic. "So. Are you dating anyone?"
Well. He had just kind of insulted his ex, so he guessed there was a tangential link.
"No." Severus was unsure if that was some kind of trap or joke because... honestly, no one dated him. He was repellent with cause. It was no mere accident that he didn't shower. He did, however, recently start brushing his teeth. Make of that what you will. He scrubbed at the table again, eager to get out of detention.
"I know you were seeing her but I suppose that's over with." Good. "Anyone else in mind?"
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"I have no pity for filth." Filth like his father. Muggles were inherently revolting. It was their nature. Pathetic, primate and entirely useless. "And you stopped being my friend long before I stopped trying. It was around the time James Potter became the only man you listen to."
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He scoffed, shaking his head. "Is that your issue? That I agree with James on that? It has nothing to do with James. I have my own eyes. My own mind. I'm here, Sirius Black. Heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. And I can tell you, my family is filth."
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As far as he was concerned, muggles were another breed. They were lesser, stupider and vastly outnumbered them. They were a threat. "The worst thing that happened was a muggle meeting my mother. She's a revolting bloodtraitor and I have no sympathy for her or anyone who ruins their heritage with such idiocy."
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He shook his head. "It's people that are evil, that are rotten. Doesn't matter how pure they are."
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If it was up to him, he'd be against all people. Honestly, the pure blood thing was just something to lash out at. He didn't care much either way. What he cared about was making someone, anyone, hurt like he hurt. "If it was up to me, I would have wiped every single revolting human off this planet and only leave us!"
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Sirius wished, he really did, that he could be like James. That he could see the world the way this - who was so much like him - always had. "I don't want the world to be wiped out. You know I don't want that, right? You are talking nonsense anyway. As if you still want me around."
He spat it out like the rest, only letting it sink in afterwards. It showed on his face.
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He stopped himself before he said it, feel a bit heated. He turned away hastily and hid behind his dirty hair. He was so worked up, he was forgetting himself. "Believe I hate you. Whatever makes you happy."
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No, he didn't know what he was looking for here, even as he was pretty much shaking Severus.
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"I can't -- care like he cares. It's not in me. I can't act however you want. I can't hug you and be all over you, I can't understand it. I-- I'm not that kind of man." He wasn't even a man, not really. He was still a boy, desperate to be older and more powerful. He wanted to never be touched or harmed again.
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"But we can be together. We can have fun. And we can try to do good."
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It was a weird thing to say aloud but it was true. When he was a boy, perhaps maybe once or twice, he considered helping others but it wasn't a priority. Truth was? He didn't much care. He would have felt worse about it but honestly, he couldn't bring himself to. "I'm not good. I can't do it. You are though. Darkness or not, you're always going to be leaning to the light. It's in you, you just don't see it."
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That sounded good.
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Not for the mudblood, not for the wrong he did. Just that. Exclusively. "I'll try to do better in future. You have to know by now that I'd do anything I can for you. And maybe I can't do everything you want of me but I can try for you." The only person he would try for. "Are we... Are we still friends?"
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He pulled back, shaking himself to try and get rid of the melancholy. Returning to the desk he was cleaning, he picked the sponge back up, trying to think of how to change the topic. "So. Are you dating anyone?"
Well. He had just kind of insulted his ex, so he guessed there was a tangential link.
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"I know you were seeing her but I suppose that's over with." Good. "Anyone else in mind?"
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