"I never wanted to. I just don't think I can deny what I am. Do you think a man can change? I'm not so sure." He thought people didn't change - just circumstance and context. He would never not want power, he would never not want to hurt but he couldn't tell if he could ever challenge that into good or if he was destined for evil? The hand on his face made him wish he could be better, he wanted Sirius more than he wanted to breathe. "There's so much hate in me, I feel like I could choke on it."
"I think you aren't even a man yet." Not much of an insult, given they were in the same year. "You don't only have hate in you, right? You can't. I've seen it." He leaned their foreheads together and reached inside his shirt, pulled out the pendant he was still wearing. "You made that. That's not hate. You are more than all that. Why else would I like you so much? See? If you say that I like good, you're saying you got good inside you."
"You're my only spark of goodness in the world and I can't even keep you." So what did he even do? He wanted to badly to stay with Sirius but he knew what he wanted and to abandon it all? It felt too much. Too difficult. He had to choose between Sirius and the Dark Lord - and it wasn't an easy choice. He hadn't committed yet, he hadn't had his mark but he feared the time would come. He closed his eyes and leaned into Sirius, taking a sharp inhale and exhale. "I don't want to drive you away."
"Then don't. Why do you always talk about losing me? Losing us? You've been acting like our friendship is ending soon since the day it started. We are friends. Why would that ever change?" Sirius wanted to know, only he also didn't really want the answer. He wasn't stupid. He wasn't naive. It wasn't that hard to figure out what was on Severus' mind. "Fight with me, Sev. Not against me. Never."
"Because I hate to share. And if you're with Potter and his friends, you're not with me." And he hated that. He was jealous, envious and he wanted Sirius all to himself. He was petty and very aware of it but he couldn't change it. Reaching out, he stroked his fingers through Sirius' hair and then laughed a little. "How do you stand to be this close to someone as revolting as me? I made myself impossible to get near on purpose and yet, you never flinch when you get close. Why?"
"I don't get why you want to be revolting. But you didn't use to want that around me. So I know what you're really like. I know your smile, Sev." He brushed his lips briefly with his thumb and smiled himself, even if it was still uncertain. Still fearing how this conversation would go. Where it would all end. "I like you, Severus. I've always liked you, right? Doesn't mean I like everything you do or say. And you can be a git. But so can I."
"I only smile for you." The only person who earned one, who got a proper one. The only person who cared about him and liked to see him happy deserved to see his smile. "You're my only happy thought." Whenever they had a class and they were told to think of their happiest memory or their favourite moment, his was Sirius. And Sirius was also some of his worst memories. Like today. Like anything with James. "You will always be my happiness."
"Then believe it, yeah? You'll always be my friend. Friendship is stronger than whatever's coming. It's got to be." Sirius just wished. He wished so desperately for a future that he knew was unlikely to happen for him. But he could push that thought away, just focus on the present. "Always." He gave a nod.
Not for the mudblood, not for the wrong he did. Just that. Exclusively. "I'll try to do better in future. You have to know by now that I'd do anything I can for you. And maybe I can't do everything you want of me but I can try for you." The only person he would try for. "Are we... Are we still friends?"
"Yeah. Course we are." Sirius believed in friendship. He didn't want his friendship to fall apart. And Severus had been a part of him for so long. Part of his life. He couldn't bear the thought of that ending. Especially in a world where ending friendships might mean fighting on different sides.
He pulled back, shaking himself to try and get rid of the melancholy. Returning to the desk he was cleaning, he picked the sponge back up, trying to think of how to change the topic. "So. Are you dating anyone?"
Well. He had just kind of insulted his ex, so he guessed there was a tangential link.
"No." Severus was unsure if that was some kind of trap or joke because... honestly, no one dated him. He was repellent with cause. It was no mere accident that he didn't shower. He did, however, recently start brushing his teeth. Make of that what you will. He scrubbed at the table again, eager to get out of detention.
"I know you were seeing her but I suppose that's over with." Good. "Anyone else in mind?"
"Not really." Sirius frowned, paused, wet his lips and then started scrubbing again. He really had never been any good at hiding his feelings, for better or worse. "I don't know. It's not for me, I guess. I just can't with girls. I don't get why everyone's all over it. I know, they all think I just... Whatever, but nah. Good for the ego, I guess."
He was a teenage boy. Of course he was ready to let people believe he was a player. "I like hanging with boys more."
"I can't say I love either but I do have a preference to being with men. Though, admittedly, that may just be because of my fondness for you." Otherwise, he didn't really think of that stuff and he had little desire for it. Physical contact was not something he really craved, if he was perfectly honest. He loved to be alone. "I prefer you."
He smiled a little at Sirius, awkward and unsure but knowing how he felt. "I suppose I'm not a typical teenage boy. I'm bad at this kind of talk."
Maybe if he hadn't at the moment so distracted by another stain, the words would have sunken in a bit more. As it was, Sirius was connecting some of it and not at all drawing some other connections, focused on scrubbing away, even as they talked. "It's different for everyone, mate. Lots of boys get awkward about it."
Just in his experience. "I've dreamt about snogging blokes though. A bloke, anyway. Think it's normal."
Which guy? Who was he kissing? God help him, it better not be fucking James Potter or fuck the world, he was going to burn this place to the ground. He scrubbed hard to fight back the venom he wished to spew out right now. He didn't even know it was James. "You like men as much as women, is what you're saying?" Huh. Well. "Muggles have a word for that, I heard it tossed around before."
"Oh, we have a lot of words for it too. My parents use them about my uncle, it's grand." Sirius rolled his eyes. Then he smirked, turned and pulled his shirt up. "I do like shirtlifter."
Just seemed silly, honestly. "As if girls don't like it when I lift my shirt." He was just saying. "And I don't know. I've never had a dream about doing stuff with a girl, you know? But I've done stuff with girls. So maybe it's equal."
Sirius shrugged his shoulders, letting go of his shirt again. "You don't want to do that though, right? To a bloke. I mean, I'd love it. You know me. I live to be my parents' shame. But if there's some bloke who's already struggling with so much stuff in his life... Nah."
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That sounded good.
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Not for the mudblood, not for the wrong he did. Just that. Exclusively. "I'll try to do better in future. You have to know by now that I'd do anything I can for you. And maybe I can't do everything you want of me but I can try for you." The only person he would try for. "Are we... Are we still friends?"
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He pulled back, shaking himself to try and get rid of the melancholy. Returning to the desk he was cleaning, he picked the sponge back up, trying to think of how to change the topic. "So. Are you dating anyone?"
Well. He had just kind of insulted his ex, so he guessed there was a tangential link.
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"I know you were seeing her but I suppose that's over with." Good. "Anyone else in mind?"
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He was a teenage boy. Of course he was ready to let people believe he was a player. "I like hanging with boys more."
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He smiled a little at Sirius, awkward and unsure but knowing how he felt. "I suppose I'm not a typical teenage boy. I'm bad at this kind of talk."
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Just in his experience. "I've dreamt about snogging blokes though. A bloke, anyway. Think it's normal."
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Which guy? Who was he kissing? God help him, it better not be fucking James Potter or fuck the world, he was going to burn this place to the ground. He scrubbed hard to fight back the venom he wished to spew out right now. He didn't even know it was James. "You like men as much as women, is what you're saying?" Huh. Well. "Muggles have a word for that, I heard it tossed around before."
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Just seemed silly, honestly. "As if girls don't like it when I lift my shirt." He was just saying. "And I don't know. I've never had a dream about doing stuff with a girl, you know? But I've done stuff with girls. So maybe it's equal."
Sirius shrugged his shoulders, letting go of his shirt again. "You don't want to do that though, right? To a bloke. I mean, I'd love it. You know me. I live to be my parents' shame. But if there's some bloke who's already struggling with so much stuff in his life... Nah."