"Of course I want you around, why else do you bloody think I said sorry in the first place?" Cause it certainly wasn't remorse. He didn't regret what he did, just the consequences of what he did. "You're the only person in this world I have ever cared about and cared for. Even if to you, James Potter is always infinitely more, you are all I have. You are the one I l--"
He stopped himself before he said it, feel a bit heated. He turned away hastily and hid behind his dirty hair. He was so worked up, he was forgetting himself. "Believe I hate you. Whatever makes you happy."
"That doesn't make me happy." As was obvious from the look of his face to the sound of his voice. Sirius dropped the stupid sponge he was still holding on to and then he was suddenly right in front of Severus, staring at him, clutching his arm. "If you don't hate me, then why do you act like you do? If you care for me, then why don't you show it?"
No, he didn't know what he was looking for here, even as he was pretty much shaking Severus.
"Because I can't be James! I won't ever be him. Stop expected me to be someone I'm not. Do I look like someone who can just -- just be like that? Do you know me at all?" Severus stood no chance in a fist fight but he could shove Sirius back and make distance, not wanting him this close and questioning him in such a way. It hurt too much.
"I can't -- care like he cares. It's not in me. I can't act however you want. I can't hug you and be all over you, I can't understand it. I-- I'm not that kind of man." He wasn't even a man, not really. He was still a boy, desperate to be older and more powerful. He wanted to never be touched or harmed again.
"I know you are not James. I'm not James either! I want you to be you. You are Severus, you are my friend. We had ice cream after we met in Diagon Alley and we watched people and made fun of them. We've been friends since we met. I don't want another James." Sirius moved forward again, insistent, this time wrapping both arms entirely around Severus. He didn't want him to make distance. He didn't get why he seemed so intent on it. "I want to be friends with you, Severus. Why don't you want me anymore?"
"I want you more than I can stand and it's too much for me to handle." What was he supposed to do? Confess his love, get together and change his ways? Not possible. Sirius would never want him and he could never change. He knew what was in him, he knew he wasn't a good man. He sat in the grounds and slowly pulled legs off spiders for fun, he tortured the animals in the woods and poisoned first years for a lark. He knew Sirius would never love someone like him. "You don't want me. That's the real problem here. If you opened your eyes and stopped being blinded by goodness, you'd see what a rat I am. You pretend my flaws aren't there. It's not the same as accepting them."
"Why do you make it sound lie I don't have flaws? You know I do. I'm not that good. Don't you know that the real reason I hate dark magic is because I know there's darkness in me?" How could there not be? All that rage he sometimes failed to bottle up, all that distaste for the world and, yes, the haughtiness. Not just a feature to make his aristocratic looks translate better.
"But we can be together. We can have fun. And we can try to do good."
It was a weird thing to say aloud but it was true. When he was a boy, perhaps maybe once or twice, he considered helping others but it wasn't a priority. Truth was? He didn't much care. He would have felt worse about it but honestly, he couldn't bring himself to. "I'm not good. I can't do it. You are though. Darkness or not, you're always going to be leaning to the light. It's in you, you just don't see it."
"...I hope I will." Sirius just muttered it, feeling at a loss. Why was Severus talking like that? It was like having the floor pulled from under him. He was stroking the side of Severus' face. When had he started doing that? And why did he feel as if he was about to cry? He held the tears back, but the pain in his heart remained. Finally he spoke again, implored him. "Why are you putting us on opposite sides?"
"I never wanted to. I just don't think I can deny what I am. Do you think a man can change? I'm not so sure." He thought people didn't change - just circumstance and context. He would never not want power, he would never not want to hurt but he couldn't tell if he could ever challenge that into good or if he was destined for evil? The hand on his face made him wish he could be better, he wanted Sirius more than he wanted to breathe. "There's so much hate in me, I feel like I could choke on it."
"I think you aren't even a man yet." Not much of an insult, given they were in the same year. "You don't only have hate in you, right? You can't. I've seen it." He leaned their foreheads together and reached inside his shirt, pulled out the pendant he was still wearing. "You made that. That's not hate. You are more than all that. Why else would I like you so much? See? If you say that I like good, you're saying you got good inside you."
"You're my only spark of goodness in the world and I can't even keep you." So what did he even do? He wanted to badly to stay with Sirius but he knew what he wanted and to abandon it all? It felt too much. Too difficult. He had to choose between Sirius and the Dark Lord - and it wasn't an easy choice. He hadn't committed yet, he hadn't had his mark but he feared the time would come. He closed his eyes and leaned into Sirius, taking a sharp inhale and exhale. "I don't want to drive you away."
"Then don't. Why do you always talk about losing me? Losing us? You've been acting like our friendship is ending soon since the day it started. We are friends. Why would that ever change?" Sirius wanted to know, only he also didn't really want the answer. He wasn't stupid. He wasn't naive. It wasn't that hard to figure out what was on Severus' mind. "Fight with me, Sev. Not against me. Never."
"Because I hate to share. And if you're with Potter and his friends, you're not with me." And he hated that. He was jealous, envious and he wanted Sirius all to himself. He was petty and very aware of it but he couldn't change it. Reaching out, he stroked his fingers through Sirius' hair and then laughed a little. "How do you stand to be this close to someone as revolting as me? I made myself impossible to get near on purpose and yet, you never flinch when you get close. Why?"
"I don't get why you want to be revolting. But you didn't use to want that around me. So I know what you're really like. I know your smile, Sev." He brushed his lips briefly with his thumb and smiled himself, even if it was still uncertain. Still fearing how this conversation would go. Where it would all end. "I like you, Severus. I've always liked you, right? Doesn't mean I like everything you do or say. And you can be a git. But so can I."
"I only smile for you." The only person who earned one, who got a proper one. The only person who cared about him and liked to see him happy deserved to see his smile. "You're my only happy thought." Whenever they had a class and they were told to think of their happiest memory or their favourite moment, his was Sirius. And Sirius was also some of his worst memories. Like today. Like anything with James. "You will always be my happiness."
"Then believe it, yeah? You'll always be my friend. Friendship is stronger than whatever's coming. It's got to be." Sirius just wished. He wished so desperately for a future that he knew was unlikely to happen for him. But he could push that thought away, just focus on the present. "Always." He gave a nod.
Not for the mudblood, not for the wrong he did. Just that. Exclusively. "I'll try to do better in future. You have to know by now that I'd do anything I can for you. And maybe I can't do everything you want of me but I can try for you." The only person he would try for. "Are we... Are we still friends?"
"Yeah. Course we are." Sirius believed in friendship. He didn't want his friendship to fall apart. And Severus had been a part of him for so long. Part of his life. He couldn't bear the thought of that ending. Especially in a world where ending friendships might mean fighting on different sides.
He pulled back, shaking himself to try and get rid of the melancholy. Returning to the desk he was cleaning, he picked the sponge back up, trying to think of how to change the topic. "So. Are you dating anyone?"
Well. He had just kind of insulted his ex, so he guessed there was a tangential link.
"No." Severus was unsure if that was some kind of trap or joke because... honestly, no one dated him. He was repellent with cause. It was no mere accident that he didn't shower. He did, however, recently start brushing his teeth. Make of that what you will. He scrubbed at the table again, eager to get out of detention.
"I know you were seeing her but I suppose that's over with." Good. "Anyone else in mind?"
"Not really." Sirius frowned, paused, wet his lips and then started scrubbing again. He really had never been any good at hiding his feelings, for better or worse. "I don't know. It's not for me, I guess. I just can't with girls. I don't get why everyone's all over it. I know, they all think I just... Whatever, but nah. Good for the ego, I guess."
He was a teenage boy. Of course he was ready to let people believe he was a player. "I like hanging with boys more."
"I can't say I love either but I do have a preference to being with men. Though, admittedly, that may just be because of my fondness for you." Otherwise, he didn't really think of that stuff and he had little desire for it. Physical contact was not something he really craved, if he was perfectly honest. He loved to be alone. "I prefer you."
He smiled a little at Sirius, awkward and unsure but knowing how he felt. "I suppose I'm not a typical teenage boy. I'm bad at this kind of talk."
Maybe if he hadn't at the moment so distracted by another stain, the words would have sunken in a bit more. As it was, Sirius was connecting some of it and not at all drawing some other connections, focused on scrubbing away, even as they talked. "It's different for everyone, mate. Lots of boys get awkward about it."
Just in his experience. "I've dreamt about snogging blokes though. A bloke, anyway. Think it's normal."
Which guy? Who was he kissing? God help him, it better not be fucking James Potter or fuck the world, he was going to burn this place to the ground. He scrubbed hard to fight back the venom he wished to spew out right now. He didn't even know it was James. "You like men as much as women, is what you're saying?" Huh. Well. "Muggles have a word for that, I heard it tossed around before."
"Oh, we have a lot of words for it too. My parents use them about my uncle, it's grand." Sirius rolled his eyes. Then he smirked, turned and pulled his shirt up. "I do like shirtlifter."
Just seemed silly, honestly. "As if girls don't like it when I lift my shirt." He was just saying. "And I don't know. I've never had a dream about doing stuff with a girl, you know? But I've done stuff with girls. So maybe it's equal."
Sirius shrugged his shoulders, letting go of his shirt again. "You don't want to do that though, right? To a bloke. I mean, I'd love it. You know me. I live to be my parents' shame. But if there's some bloke who's already struggling with so much stuff in his life... Nah."
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He stopped himself before he said it, feel a bit heated. He turned away hastily and hid behind his dirty hair. He was so worked up, he was forgetting himself. "Believe I hate you. Whatever makes you happy."
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No, he didn't know what he was looking for here, even as he was pretty much shaking Severus.
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"I can't -- care like he cares. It's not in me. I can't act however you want. I can't hug you and be all over you, I can't understand it. I-- I'm not that kind of man." He wasn't even a man, not really. He was still a boy, desperate to be older and more powerful. He wanted to never be touched or harmed again.
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"But we can be together. We can have fun. And we can try to do good."
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It was a weird thing to say aloud but it was true. When he was a boy, perhaps maybe once or twice, he considered helping others but it wasn't a priority. Truth was? He didn't much care. He would have felt worse about it but honestly, he couldn't bring himself to. "I'm not good. I can't do it. You are though. Darkness or not, you're always going to be leaning to the light. It's in you, you just don't see it."
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That sounded good.
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Not for the mudblood, not for the wrong he did. Just that. Exclusively. "I'll try to do better in future. You have to know by now that I'd do anything I can for you. And maybe I can't do everything you want of me but I can try for you." The only person he would try for. "Are we... Are we still friends?"
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He pulled back, shaking himself to try and get rid of the melancholy. Returning to the desk he was cleaning, he picked the sponge back up, trying to think of how to change the topic. "So. Are you dating anyone?"
Well. He had just kind of insulted his ex, so he guessed there was a tangential link.
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"I know you were seeing her but I suppose that's over with." Good. "Anyone else in mind?"
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He was a teenage boy. Of course he was ready to let people believe he was a player. "I like hanging with boys more."
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He smiled a little at Sirius, awkward and unsure but knowing how he felt. "I suppose I'm not a typical teenage boy. I'm bad at this kind of talk."
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Just in his experience. "I've dreamt about snogging blokes though. A bloke, anyway. Think it's normal."
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Which guy? Who was he kissing? God help him, it better not be fucking James Potter or fuck the world, he was going to burn this place to the ground. He scrubbed hard to fight back the venom he wished to spew out right now. He didn't even know it was James. "You like men as much as women, is what you're saying?" Huh. Well. "Muggles have a word for that, I heard it tossed around before."
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Just seemed silly, honestly. "As if girls don't like it when I lift my shirt." He was just saying. "And I don't know. I've never had a dream about doing stuff with a girl, you know? But I've done stuff with girls. So maybe it's equal."
Sirius shrugged his shoulders, letting go of his shirt again. "You don't want to do that though, right? To a bloke. I mean, I'd love it. You know me. I live to be my parents' shame. But if there's some bloke who's already struggling with so much stuff in his life... Nah."