Remus had no idea what his mood was supposed to be any more or how he was supposed to approach life in general. Was he supposed to seize the day? Because that required far more energy than he had. Was he wasting it with all of this hopeless chasing work stuff? He wanted a job, he wanted a normal life but maybe he just didn't get that any more. His apartment rent was four weeks late, he was on the verge of being evicted and his life was kind of stagnant so honestly, the energy of 'seize the day, for tomorrow you will die' was a lot for him.
So instead, he was slumped in a train seat, half asleep, very aware that people were avoiding sitting by him. He was pale and looked like shit so clearly no one wanted to disturb him. He had nodded off at some point and now he had no idea where he was on the train or what to even do about it.
Or if he even cared.
Where did the train even end? Maybe he could just to go to the end of the line and then go back? Seemed warmer and nicer than his place and who cared if they fined him for no ticket? He had fuck all money for them to get from him.
Yawning, the train came to a stop and he tilted his head out, reading the sign and then lowered his head again. Yep. Definitely missed his stop. Ah well.
Sirius was out of breath when he boarded the train, having had to run to catch it. He love that James and Lily were so happy with each other. He absolutely hated that they'd chosen to move out to this godforsaken place. James had tried to talk Sirius into moving with them, had been ready to buy him a place, but over his dead body was he leaving London for this little corner of nowhere much.
Lovely, sure. Not his scene. Not anyone's scene who wasn't an old grandma, as there was no scene to be found.
Still, he was willing to visit when he could and then the separation was difficult. So he had almost, but not quite, missed his train. He caught his breath slowly, pushing the hair back from his face and looking around. Pretty empty train. He took a seat next to a bloke who looked nice enough, if tired, and gave him a nod. "All right, mate?"
That said he got the tattered copy of Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray out of the inside pocket of his leather jacket and leaned back so he could continue reading.
Sirius's hair was long, loosely tied together right now. He was wearing jeans and a black leather jacket over a white shirt with various song lyrics written on it. He wore an earring in his left ear, he had rings on his hands. He wasn't trying hide anything, although it might not be obvious to anyone not in the know.
"Alright, mate." Remus muttered before he really had a look at the guy. He didn't look up for a few, just trying to slowly wake himself up and debate how far on the train he wanted to go. Heard the announcement that it ended at London Euston and he wondered if he stood a chance getting anywhere in London while broke.
Yawning, he lifted his head and finally looked at the guy across from him. Dear God, he was handsome. Tall, dark and handsome. No wonder people sitting nearby stared at him, he stared too. For a second, then he decided to just watch him in the window reflection.
The book, the lyrics on his shirt, the earring. He was giving off some very clear signals and Remus pitied all the girls on the train lusting after him.
Ah, the days when he might have taken the chance and gotten himself rejected - they were long gone. Instead, he was content to admire Sirius in the window as he patted himself down and pulled out a chocolate bar, opening the wrapper as quietly as he could and taking a bite.
It took Sirius a while to notice the bloke next to him watching him, but then he caught his reflection in the window and he flashed a grin, winking at him. Unbeknownst to him, a girl on the other end was trying to figure out if he was looking at her, but he obviously wasn't.
Instead he was now unabashedly looking the bloke over. Hey, he could tell what it meant when he got checked out in a reflection. It was a handsome bloke too, underneath all that tiredness. It was a train, it was going onto ten, of course he looked tired. Still, might be worth a shot. "You doing anything after this, mate? We could go to a pub. You know The Bell?"
"Uh..." Was he talking to him? He looked around a little and then looked back at Sirius, still flustered from the wink and having zero time to recover. Was he being picked up? Seriously? Today of all days? He was not even sure what to say but he was on his way to London and he had nothing else going on so why lie? "I got nothing going on, nothing at all. Never been to the Bell. Last time I was in London was for a teacher conference, didn't really go out and about."
So no, he didn't know any place to drink but hopefully he had enough to cover it. He had some cash on him. "As long as it's not too pricey, I'm not exactly minted and London is insane these days." He heard about it on the news so it must be true.
"Don't worry about that, it's on me. You look like you could use a break." Sirius closed the book and shifted to properly face the man, which did at least clear things up for that girl on the other side. Not that Sirius noticed. "You're a teacher? Blimey, there's a brave career choice. I was a right menace back in school, me. Bet my teachers had a party to celebrate when they got rid of me."
With a grin, Sirius held his hand out. "I'm Sirius. Sirius Black. Nice meeting you." He hadn't thought he'd get to have a social life on this train. Maybe James wasn't the worst for moving after all.
"Yeah, I mean, not currently employed but I guess you're always a teacher in that sense." He didn't actively teach but he was trained as one and he hoped to get a more steady position. His medical history was a big obstacle and then there was the energy involved with being a teacher and his constant absences. He was not exactly highly sought after.
At the hand being held out, Remus smiled and took it, aware that this was the first time he'd touched another person in a long while. Though he knew it wouldn't last - he was a good boy, unfortunately, he would always disclose if they got close to anything. "I'm Remus Lupin. Nice to meet you too mate. Glad I fell asleep or I'd be at my stop with nowhere to go this evening."
He laughed, shrugging his shoulders. "When I was a kid, I always said I'd never get married. Didn't know how right I was." Obviously. No way for him to get married, being gay and all that. Not that he minded. "It's more romantic. Staying together cause you want to, not cause it's tradition."
"Congratulations to your mate, we'll drink to him, eh?" Remus offered as he ate more of his chocolate bar. This guy was forward, flirting relatively open for a place like this. Bold, daring, dangerous. He really hoped he wasn't gonna be a total prick, he preferred when blokes walked away instead of getting angry at him when he explained. He wanted to do it now but not on a train, not here. Besides - was he not allowed to have fun? To imagine an AIDs free life, flirting on a train.
"I don't think I'll ever get married." He found the idea hard to imagine for two reasons: gay and soon to be dead. "But if you do, it should be for love. Never met anyone who married for tradition though, they don't do that sort of lark where I come from."
"My brother's got one of them lined up. Arranged marriage. I was supposed to have one, but my family and I-- Well, you know. They think they kicked me out, I claim I walked out. Same end result." A much happier life, he'd say. He shrugged, knowing that it wasn't a rarity. In their community, it was rare that anyone was out and proud and had family support. Of course, his family would have never supported him no matter what anyway, but that was a different issue.
"I think it's rubbish. It's like Valentine's day, just a way to make a lot of money and sell flowers. If I want to give you flowers, I'll just steal some from the park." He looked Remus over, considering it. "You got a favourite flower?"
"Not much of a flower bloke, I always prefer to get chocolates. I say as if I have ever gotten any." Remus never really dated. It had always been so complicated and when he finally wanted to try, it was mostly casual sex and he... he wasn't able to do that. He'd been trying, the last few years, to live his gay life and try to get somewhere with it but so far, no luck. He probably would have better odds with girls, at least he could meet them in a tradition way instead of underground code words and dodgy bars.
He finished off his bar of chocolate and tossed the wrapper in the little bin on the side before he looked at Sirius. "Bet you ain't short of flowers and chocolates." Wait. His eyes widened a second as he realised he was definitely hitting on him. Fuck, well, time to own it. "Just saying."
"Used to get lots of 'em back at school. Not so much now, but I'm sure I can scrape some together to buy you pralines." Sad story of the smart bloke who never got any chocolates from anyone. Time to change things for him a little. He could tell he was shy and clearly not used to this - not that he could blame him. There were so many dangers, intolerance, a whole song and dance to perform just to make sure.
Sirius reached for Remus's hand and held it, just for a few seconds. So he'd know to be sure. "We should get off next stop. Easier to get to King's Cross from there."
"I'll bet, mate. I don't care about quality, I'll eat anything sweet." Rejection would always be painful and this bloke, he seemed like a good one, he hoped he didn't feel too put out when Remus confessed and he could keep these memories as happy as he could. In an ideal world, topsy-turvey to this one entirely, he would have loved to pursue a bloke like that. To the bitter fucking end. But everything about him was a deal breaker. Even if, for some weird reason, he was fine with the trans thing, he would not be fine with the AIDs thing.
He smiled sadly at Sirius but he nodded, ready to get off and find his way back. Somehow. Maybe he could get some pity change and use the vending machines for a snack. The train announced they were pulling in and Remus stood up, grabbing his shoulder bag and pulling it on, walking towards the door. "So King's Cross is near the pub? Does it get a lot of trains run by or what? For going home and all." He had to go at some point so it was easy to ask. Casual like.
"I mean, yeah. Right by King's Cross, so everything goes through there. Or you gotta make it back over to Euston, I guess." Sirius shrugged, leaning against the wall close to the train's doors as it pulled into the station. "Though you've got nowhere to be, so don't stress about it. Nice bloke like you on a night out in London? Whole world might open up for you yet."
He winked again, because why not? And then he grabbed Remus's hand to tug him along as they got off the train. He kept a hold of his hand, never one to be shy whatsoever. In any way. "Are you hungry? Pub's gonna be busy, so we might be better off grabbing something on the way there."
Holding a blokes hand was a dream come true. He idly wondered if it was something he could have and if it was okay to just use this guy to have a fun night where he pretended nothing was wrong but no, it was deceptive. He was a liar if he did that. Remus waited for the crowd to thin and for them to be mostly alone as they left the platform before he pulled his hand away and paused, turning to Sirius.
"You're a nice bloke, mate. I really like it. The fact that you're even fucking hitting on me, it made my day. Didn't think I could pull a bloke like you." Remus smiled awkwardly and then crossed his arms. "I gotta be honest with you though - we can't do this. I can't do this. It ain't right."
Wait, that sounded homophobic. He caught himself and then held up his hands. "Not like that. Bugger, sorry, I just --" He ruffled his hair and then looked at Sirius, exhaling. "I got AIDs. So, uh, yeah."
Sirius stopped when Remus paused, turning to look at him. He'd rather liked holding his hand, so it felt strange not to now. He frowned at him at his explanation, mostly concerned that he had stumbled upon someone terribly repressed who had a religious upbringing or whatever. He actually had to smile when Remus corrected himself, although he turned serious again at his actual explanation.
Had to handle this right. He knew to expect something like it, of course. These days, in the circles he ran in? Hardly his first encounter. Still, he gave a nod. "Gotcha."
Then he held his hand out again. "Is that all? Because neither of us is bleeding and I think we can grab some food safely." He shrugged. "Trust me, darling. Well, the food might be slightly unsafe, but that's what our adventurous spirits are for."
Okay. Well. He took that well. Most people didn't even want to touch him or get near him, he hadn't expect someone to be so cool about it all. His eyes widened very noticeably and he felt like he was on the verge but then the other thing was there and at his point, he could run to a train but he probably couldn't while intoxicated and lost so he just went for it.
"I don't have a dick."
Well. That was one way to come out. He couldn't have picked his words better. "I was --" Remus swayed his head side to side as he debated how to say it. "I was born one way, now I'm another. Is that a deal breaker or like-- I'm starting to wonder what is for you."
"I don't know, mate. If you voted Tory?" Which he strongly assumed Remus didn't, so Sirius wasn't overly worried. "You are a handsome bloke. Stop making me look like I can't pull and take my hand already, I want to get food."
So, no, the other reveal hadn't thrown him much either. "You're too nervous. Relax, Remus. We are young, the night is ours. Want to share some chips? Sorry, mate, I know this stuff is important and all but I'm starving."
He had gotten food at James and Lily's, but James had wanted food to be fancy, befitting the occasion, so the portions had been tiny. Had been a funny joke at the time, but now here he was, ravenous.
"If you don't care, it ain't important. I do my due diligence and I tell people, you know? It's up to them to decide. If they care, I fuck off and if they don't care, neither do I." Remus explained as he took Sirius' hand, kind of pleased that this was all going well cause whatever - he wanted it so bad and he didn't even care if it seemed fake. Like a hallucination or maybe Sirius was in a cult. There had to be a catch but he didn't look for it.
"For the record, you're the first bloke who didn't care. Hence my lack of experience handling-- this." He gestured to their hands and then he smiled. "I'll split chips with you. I only got a tenner on me. I can't afford the train back." He laughed at that, it was funny to him. "But we can get chips with it, might as well."
"Only got a tenner so you're stuck in jolly old London? You are mental, mate, you are." Not that Sirius seemed that bothered by that either. If anything, it assured him that they made a good match. He walked out of the station still holding Remus's hand, not only not caring about any looks they got, but honestly not even registering them. He liked to focus on the parts of the world that mattered. "I can spot you for the chips. And, who knows? Maybe you can just shack up with me tonight."
Didn't seem like the worst idea, given the situation Remus was in. Which made a lot more sense now. "You could probably teach some classes at the centre, you know? They have all kinds of stuff there."
"I keep telling people, I'll fucking teach anywhere. It's just that no one wants me. I can't blame them, I'm a bit of a shitty pick. I'm off work so much these days and I'm naff at lying in the interview. I had a good job but I lost it. The parents thought I was a deviant homosexual spreading my AIDS and propaganda." He wasn't even out, they just assumed. If he had AIDS, he was gay. There was no other option. Just like if he had AIDS, he also had to be sleeping around. A great irony there. Remus smiled at Sirius, kind of relieved to just talk about his life a little and not hide it all. Sirius was so ... so supportive. In a sense. Caring. Actually listening to him. He'd never had that before.
"I'm pretty open where I end up, I'm about to lose my place and I can't move back in with my parents. They worry. They worry so much, always did." He waved his hand in dismissal. "London seems -- seems as good as any to be homeless."
"Don't be daft. Why would you be homeless? I told you, mi casa e su casa." Sirius felt that was making himself clear. He liked Remus so far, he did think he was handsome, so maybe he was going to keep going in that vein. Seduce him. Or maybe they could just be mates, but either way... "We've got to stick together, don't we? Stick it to those wankers. Can't think of a way to piss them off more than just us living our best life."
And he wanted to piss them off. He was so angry at how unfair the world was. "Bet you are a brilliant teacher. I didn't have any teacher with a bum as nice as yours back in school, might have helped my attentiveness."
Or maybe not. Might have been quite distracting. Still.
"I assume it would have hurt your focus more and made the teacher deeply uncomfortable but... well, thank you." Well, he just imagined a teenage boy lusting after him and the horror was palpable. "Bet you were a shit student. I know you type, I can tell by looking at you and how you talk. You were a bit of a clown and got into lots of fights but you did well in class and you never had to try for it."
Well, he had that energy, he just had to assume. He snorted in amusement and shook his head. "I don't care about pissing anyone off. I'd rather not, honestly. It's exhausting. I'm too tired to care." Sometimes he felt like he was a bad gay for not being more active and in-your-face over it but he was just so done with life, he struggled to have the drive to.
"That's the beauty, sweetheart. You don't have to do anything to piss people off. Just be your lovely self." That said, Sirius kissed Remus's cheek and then pulled him along to chippie, ordering for them both. Afterwards, he turned back to Remus and nodded his head. "You've got me figured out, by the way. Described me to a T. All of that and I got the reputation of shagging lots of birds somehow. Never quite figured out where that came from."
He was a flirty bloke, sure, but he'd never gone further than an unfortunate snogging incident with a girl, so he wasn't sure how that had happened.
"I think you just seem like the type. You're very much full of rockstar energy." The look, the rebel attitude, the intentional displays. That kiss, fuck, it was the most he'd ever been kissed and his cheek still tingled from it. "I'd have pegged you for a ladies man, if it weren't for the earring and the book."
He looked him up and down and then shrugged. "I don't pick up blokes but I picked up enough from going out to know a queer when I see one."
Looking inside, he watched them make their chips and waited eagerly. "So tell me what the catch is then. You're handsome and you're being all nice to me and I'm some disease riddled stranger on a train. You in a cult? Recruiting for you church? Cause I know I ain't that handsome."
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So instead, he was slumped in a train seat, half asleep, very aware that people were avoiding sitting by him. He was pale and looked like shit so clearly no one wanted to disturb him. He had nodded off at some point and now he had no idea where he was on the train or what to even do about it.
Or if he even cared.
Where did the train even end? Maybe he could just to go to the end of the line and then go back? Seemed warmer and nicer than his place and who cared if they fined him for no ticket? He had fuck all money for them to get from him.
Yawning, the train came to a stop and he tilted his head out, reading the sign and then lowered his head again. Yep. Definitely missed his stop. Ah well.
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Lovely, sure. Not his scene. Not anyone's scene who wasn't an old grandma, as there was no scene to be found.
Still, he was willing to visit when he could and then the separation was difficult. So he had almost, but not quite, missed his train. He caught his breath slowly, pushing the hair back from his face and looking around. Pretty empty train. He took a seat next to a bloke who looked nice enough, if tired, and gave him a nod. "All right, mate?"
That said he got the tattered copy of Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray out of the inside pocket of his leather jacket and leaned back so he could continue reading.
Sirius's hair was long, loosely tied together right now. He was wearing jeans and a black leather jacket over a white shirt with various song lyrics written on it. He wore an earring in his left ear, he had rings on his hands. He wasn't trying hide anything, although it might not be obvious to anyone not in the know.
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Yawning, he lifted his head and finally looked at the guy across from him. Dear God, he was handsome. Tall, dark and handsome. No wonder people sitting nearby stared at him, he stared too. For a second, then he decided to just watch him in the window reflection.
The book, the lyrics on his shirt, the earring. He was giving off some very clear signals and Remus pitied all the girls on the train lusting after him.
Ah, the days when he might have taken the chance and gotten himself rejected - they were long gone. Instead, he was content to admire Sirius in the window as he patted himself down and pulled out a chocolate bar, opening the wrapper as quietly as he could and taking a bite.
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Instead he was now unabashedly looking the bloke over. Hey, he could tell what it meant when he got checked out in a reflection. It was a handsome bloke too, underneath all that tiredness. It was a train, it was going onto ten, of course he looked tired. Still, might be worth a shot. "You doing anything after this, mate? We could go to a pub. You know The Bell?"
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So no, he didn't know any place to drink but hopefully he had enough to cover it. He had some cash on him. "As long as it's not too pricey, I'm not exactly minted and London is insane these days." He heard about it on the news so it must be true.
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With a grin, Sirius held his hand out. "I'm Sirius. Sirius Black. Nice meeting you." He hadn't thought he'd get to have a social life on this train. Maybe James wasn't the worst for moving after all.
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At the hand being held out, Remus smiled and took it, aware that this was the first time he'd touched another person in a long while. Though he knew it wouldn't last - he was a good boy, unfortunately, he would always disclose if they got close to anything. "I'm Remus Lupin. Nice to meet you too mate. Glad I fell asleep or I'd be at my stop with nowhere to go this evening."
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He laughed, shrugging his shoulders. "When I was a kid, I always said I'd never get married. Didn't know how right I was." Obviously. No way for him to get married, being gay and all that. Not that he minded. "It's more romantic. Staying together cause you want to, not cause it's tradition."
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"I don't think I'll ever get married." He found the idea hard to imagine for two reasons: gay and soon to be dead. "But if you do, it should be for love. Never met anyone who married for tradition though, they don't do that sort of lark where I come from."
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"I think it's rubbish. It's like Valentine's day, just a way to make a lot of money and sell flowers. If I want to give you flowers, I'll just steal some from the park." He looked Remus over, considering it. "You got a favourite flower?"
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He finished off his bar of chocolate and tossed the wrapper in the little bin on the side before he looked at Sirius. "Bet you ain't short of flowers and chocolates." Wait. His eyes widened a second as he realised he was definitely hitting on him. Fuck, well, time to own it. "Just saying."
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Sirius reached for Remus's hand and held it, just for a few seconds. So he'd know to be sure. "We should get off next stop. Easier to get to King's Cross from there."
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He smiled sadly at Sirius but he nodded, ready to get off and find his way back. Somehow. Maybe he could get some pity change and use the vending machines for a snack. The train announced they were pulling in and Remus stood up, grabbing his shoulder bag and pulling it on, walking towards the door. "So King's Cross is near the pub? Does it get a lot of trains run by or what? For going home and all." He had to go at some point so it was easy to ask. Casual like.
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He winked again, because why not? And then he grabbed Remus's hand to tug him along as they got off the train. He kept a hold of his hand, never one to be shy whatsoever. In any way. "Are you hungry? Pub's gonna be busy, so we might be better off grabbing something on the way there."
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"You're a nice bloke, mate. I really like it. The fact that you're even fucking hitting on me, it made my day. Didn't think I could pull a bloke like you." Remus smiled awkwardly and then crossed his arms. "I gotta be honest with you though - we can't do this. I can't do this. It ain't right."
Wait, that sounded homophobic. He caught himself and then held up his hands. "Not like that. Bugger, sorry, I just --" He ruffled his hair and then looked at Sirius, exhaling. "I got AIDs. So, uh, yeah."
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Had to handle this right. He knew to expect something like it, of course. These days, in the circles he ran in? Hardly his first encounter. Still, he gave a nod. "Gotcha."
Then he held his hand out again. "Is that all? Because neither of us is bleeding and I think we can grab some food safely." He shrugged. "Trust me, darling. Well, the food might be slightly unsafe, but that's what our adventurous spirits are for."
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"I don't have a dick."
Well. That was one way to come out. He couldn't have picked his words better. "I was --" Remus swayed his head side to side as he debated how to say it. "I was born one way, now I'm another. Is that a deal breaker or like-- I'm starting to wonder what is for you."
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So, no, the other reveal hadn't thrown him much either. "You're too nervous. Relax, Remus. We are young, the night is ours. Want to share some chips? Sorry, mate, I know this stuff is important and all but I'm starving."
He had gotten food at James and Lily's, but James had wanted food to be fancy, befitting the occasion, so the portions had been tiny. Had been a funny joke at the time, but now here he was, ravenous.
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"For the record, you're the first bloke who didn't care. Hence my lack of experience handling-- this." He gestured to their hands and then he smiled. "I'll split chips with you. I only got a tenner on me. I can't afford the train back." He laughed at that, it was funny to him. "But we can get chips with it, might as well."
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Didn't seem like the worst idea, given the situation Remus was in. Which made a lot more sense now. "You could probably teach some classes at the centre, you know? They have all kinds of stuff there."
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"I'm pretty open where I end up, I'm about to lose my place and I can't move back in with my parents. They worry. They worry so much, always did." He waved his hand in dismissal. "London seems -- seems as good as any to be homeless."
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And he wanted to piss them off. He was so angry at how unfair the world was. "Bet you are a brilliant teacher. I didn't have any teacher with a bum as nice as yours back in school, might have helped my attentiveness."
Or maybe not. Might have been quite distracting. Still.
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Well, he had that energy, he just had to assume. He snorted in amusement and shook his head. "I don't care about pissing anyone off. I'd rather not, honestly. It's exhausting. I'm too tired to care." Sometimes he felt like he was a bad gay for not being more active and in-your-face over it but he was just so done with life, he struggled to have the drive to.
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He was a flirty bloke, sure, but he'd never gone further than an unfortunate snogging incident with a girl, so he wasn't sure how that had happened.
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He looked him up and down and then shrugged. "I don't pick up blokes but I picked up enough from going out to know a queer when I see one."
Looking inside, he watched them make their chips and waited eagerly. "So tell me what the catch is then. You're handsome and you're being all nice to me and I'm some disease riddled stranger on a train. You in a cult? Recruiting for you church? Cause I know I ain't that handsome."
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