"I believe in you, Hart. Just think it's too late for me but, like, good for everyone else. That I inspired you. Means I'm a hero too, right?" If he had to die to cure AIDS, he guessed that was something. He sniffled and wiped at his face, embarrassed that he lost some composure but he just didn't want to die. He was twenty six and he hadn't done half of what he wanted to yet.
"I don't want to die in here." Harry told Hartley as he looked around at the nurses and doctors. "I don't want to die like my dad. I want to die at home. Please. Please, help me, I don't want this."
It was always his worse nightmare. He hated hospitals. "I want to end it there."
"Yeah. All right, I get that." Hartley didn't want him to die at all. Did it matter to him where it happened? It wasn't as if he could stand being at home without Harry now. He couldn't imagine still living at home once Harry was gone. He couldn't imagine the world without Harry in it. "I won't let you die in here."
He promised it and he hated himself for saying it, because it was acknowledging that Harry would die. Would perhaps even die soon. "But you're not dying just yet. Okay? You'll... You'll get better and I'll take you home. And if you don't want to, you don't have to come back here again. I know how to take care of you. Least then you can't mistreat any nurses, you asshole."
"Oh, I'm sorry but come the fuck on. She asked me how my day is going. Take one fucking look at me and you tell me how my day is going?" Harry complained with a huff, taking the paper off the side of his bed and opening it up with trembling hands, looking at the crossword to distract himself. "Dippy bitch."
Harry was rude on most days but right now, he was testy like nothing else and God help anyone who came near him but Hartley. "When you the gay boys get here? Are they bring you baked goods? Cause they fucking better. If they come here with fruit and not chocolate, I'm throwing it at them." Just fair warning.
"Ohh, I'm sure they'll cower in fear of your throwing arm." Hartley rolled his eyes, combing his fingers through Harry's hair to fix it up a little. Then he used the towel the nurse handed him - whom he muttered an apology to - to gently wash Harry's face, not wanting to disturb him from looking at the crossword. "Sirius is coming soon. I'm guessing any minute now. And I assume he's bringing the boyfriend. Not sure who else is coming."
He had been distracted on the phone. Of course he had been. "Baked goods are guaranteed though, with Aziraphale involved."
"Man, I can't believe Sirius settled with that guy. Out of all guys. Talk about some local gossip. People were so pissed." Harry laughed, playfully indulging in some gossip as he let Hartley wipe his face, frowning at the crossword as he realised he knew fuck all about current UK pop culture. He didn't really watch TV much these days and politics made him way too angry.
"Best part about the AIDS group is the drama, you know?" He loved it. The Felix and Holden saga, the stuff with Sirius, the whole lesbian rebellion where they split off to form their own group. He loved it all. "I'll miss those messy bitches."
"It's so stupid. Everyone I've heard bitching about it is delusional, as if Sirius would have ever gone for any of those idiots." Hartley felt that was pretty obvious. He knew a little bit about Sirius's dating history. For one thing, it had always been less extensive than some claimed, for another, he was clearly looking for someone special. And here he was now, with Remus. "Apparently Sirius hasn't told his best friend who's like a brother to him about Remus yet. Not properly. Not the HIV part. And that bloke's straight, so I wonder how that is going to go."
Speaking of gossip. "Don't think I could be friends with anyone straight." He could barely be friends with anyone anyway. "I'm no good at friendship though, men just tolerate me when they learn I'm good at sucking dick." Perhaps an exaggeration, but Harry liked raunchy humour.
"I mean, it is an amazing asset you have. I love the way you suck dick." Harry remarked idly as he stopped pretending to read the paper and tossed it aside with a bored expression, looking at Hartley instead. "I went to a few parties with him before, he was always way more lowkey than people suspected. Give a guy a leather jacket and he automatically becomes a sexy player."
With an amused laugh, he shook his head, full of disbelief. "I had a straight friend once. It sucked. Straight people are just more boring and they have these fucked up ideas in their heads about how we should be. Fuck 'em all."
"I know. We stereotype too much, as a community. I think I mostly started wearing contacts so people would realise how slutty I really am." It had kind of worked out, so he wasn't complaining, but it was pretty pathetic. Just had to fit those stereotypes.
"I'm very intolerant of straight people these days. Not sure if that makes me a bad person, but I don't care." He had no patience for most of the population anyway. "That's my advice to Sirius. Stop being friends with straight people. Seems like needless hassle."
"Legit, man, legit. You're singing my song." Harry snorted in amusement and then yawned, resting his head back on the pillow and looking at Hartley with such fondness and love. He was so handsome, so funny, so witty and no one really got him. Their loss, his gain. He loved him and he hoped when he was long gone, Hartley found someone else. He needed to be loved, he was that sort of guy.
"Hart, can you get me some mints from the vending machine? I hate the taste in my mouth." He always did, like chemicals and sickness. He wanted to not think about it.
"I'll do that. And I'll be right back. Maybe get you a coke or something too." Whatever he could make him consume to get any calories, at this point. Hartley kissed Harry's forehead and then got up, smiling briefly before he headed out of the room.
He walked right to the vending machine, got what he needed and on the way back he walked into Sirius and Remus. Sirius was carrying a paper bag of Aziraphale's cookies and Hartley led them into Harry's room, immediately giving Harry the mints. "The gay boys are here."
"Yeah, it's the poufter parade," Sirius said in agreement, one arm around Remus, "You know, Haz, you're kinda lucky. You've always been pale, so you make looking like shit look intentional."
Still better than just asking him if he was doing well, Hartley supposed.
"I mean, I always had bags under my eyes too. People always asked me if I was sick when I wasn't and now I feel like my body owed them something. It's a load of shit." Harry made himself sit upright and ran his fingers through his hair again. "What do you think of the new look? I told Hartley I look like I'm in the twink military."
"It's not bad, at least your ears don't stick out like mine. I'll look well daft if I have hair like that." Remus smiled as he looked at Harry, a horrible vision of his future. He felt so bad for him and he was trying, he really was, but it was scary.
And Harry knew that, he could sense it from Remus' body language but he didn't draw attention.
"How's the old ones? Uncle Holden and Auntie Felix?"
"Felix is going to commit murder. He's been planning his Pride outfits and apparently someone else bought some of the same fabric. Or just the same colour story? I don't know, but he was yelling about it. An outrage, apparently." Sirius hadn't been listening that much, but it had admittedly been exciting. He kept his arm around Remus, understanding how tough this was for him. But that why he was trying to brighten things up a little. If just for a few moments.
Harry looked like hell, Hartley looked exhausting too. it was all depressing, but Sirius had been told so often that he could change to mood in a room. He was certainly trying. "Remus and Holden are planning some kind of fundraising calendar for the bookstore. I might be on the cover."
"And that's a nude calendar?" Hartley asked with interest, turning to Remus. "Professional curiosity."
"We all just want to know how naked you will be and what month, that's all."
"They're thinking June, it's a fun month but honestly, it seemed to be evolving from someone different every month to Sirius posing in different ways every month." Remus blamed Felix but hey, whatever sold the calendar would be amazing so he was down. "We all discussed it and Sirius has the most mass appeal."
"Oh yes, straight girls love him as much as us fags." Harry smirked and put a mint in his mouth, chewing it happily. "What you raising money for? More for the AIDS stuff or anything fun like a coffee machine in the book shop? Cause that seems like a better goal."
"I'll end up being all of the village people. Apart from the Native American, apparently that's insensitive." Or so Holden and Remus had explained, Sirius was happy to go along with whatever. He had fun posing too, so why not? By now he had done it a couple of times for their various projects and causes. "If you want a sneak peek, Haz, I can unbutton a little. I think half of the money is for AIDS research and the other half is for some renovations in the store?"
"Maybe just correct it. Don't know any Colin with a big dick. I know Crowley has one." Everyone knew that, he wore tight pants like Harry. "Holden and Felix should fix up their own place a bit. The way they're offering it out to people whenever needed."
"Those sentimental saps need something for themselves." Harry coughed again, leaning forward as he hacked up some bloody phlegm into the tissue Hartley gave him earlier. Remus winced but tried to hide it, knowing that they had to keep things upbeat. God, Harry could be dead tomorrow and he could do nothing. For him or himself. It was so weird.
"Give me a sneak peek." Harry said finally voice raspy and horrible as he lay back in bed and looking up at Sirius, smiling sadly. "It's my make-a-wish. Shirtless Sirius."
Well, his wish was Hartley and him retiring somewhere nice and never being stressed again but that seemed impossible so he'd take this.
"Who can say no to those baby blues?" Sirius knew this was quite insane and in a way morbid, but he also knew that it was reality. Was life for a lot of queer men now. So if he could brighten the day just a little by being silly and, yeah, shirtless, he'd strip down any time. He handed Remus his jacket, having shrugged out of it, then unbuttoned his shirt. "I'd do this sexier, but there's no music."
"Oh, it's just fine." Hartley assured him, sitting next to Harry and rubbing his shoulder. "How is it living with that, Remus? Does he use it to distract you and get out of chores?"
Maybe not everyone was as easily distracted as him.
"I think the more he does it, the less it works. I'm building a natural immunity but-- it slips."
"I can see why." Harry whistled playfully and looking at Hartley, waggling his eyebrows. "Hart used to do that to me by accident. Under the geek look, he's a hunk. Trust me. He's got a yoga bod that rivals Sirius but only I get to see it." Which made it pretty special.
"Everyone gets to see Sirius. He's for the people, you know. With great power comes great responsibility." Remus joked as he held his boyfriend's clothes and kept an eye out. "Let's try not to get thrown out, Sirius. I'm setting a time limit for a minute at most."
"I can't do it like he does." Whatever flip he switched that made him go from gorgeous to irresistible. Turning on the charm, Hartley supposed. He had never managed to do that on purpose, not in any capacity. Even now he was blushing because of what Harry had said about it. "I don't have a body anywhere close to this. Don't be so stingy, Remus. Those nurses have to deal with grumpy patients all day, let them look at your boyfriend for a bit."
Sirius laughed, sticking his tongue out at Harry. "You better not die before you can pick and design a month for that calendar. I know you know what appeals to the poufters."
"Don't we all." Hartley shook his head, then playfully covered Harry's eyes. "Don't fall for him, he's a siren."
"I can resist it, I promise. I only got eyes for you, promise. Though his chest ain't half bad, eh?" Harry joked as he playfully patted Hartley away and leaned forward, kissing the back of his hand and hoping Hartley remembered to wash his hands. They were in a risky place, he didn't want to fuck up. "He is singing the song of my people but look how good I am at resisting. This is the point you praise me for being the best boyfriend."
Remus snorted in amusement and tossed Sirius' shirt at him. "Shirt on or no one here will buy the calendar. Stop giving it away for free."
"Shit." Harry snorted in disbelief and shook his head. "I wanna see that calendar." All twelve months of it for a whole year. He really wanted it. He didn't want to die. He bit his lip and fought back any anger or sadness. "I have ideas."
Laughing, Sirius put his shirt back on, fumbling with a few of the buttons and finally leaving it only halfway unbuttoned. Decent enough. He got his jacket back from Remus and then wrapped his arms around him to kiss him, because he wanted to. Because he loved him and because this was hard.
"You'll see the calendar," Hartley said, insistent. No way of knowing, but he would never accept this. Would always keep fighting. "You are the best boyfriend. You have to keep proving that. That's a lifetime job. We agreed, you're getting better this time. We'll get you out of here."
"That's a grand idea, brill. You can be there when we workshop calendar pages." Wasn't that a fun thing to get out of hospital for? "It's also Remus's first proper Pride. Can't wait to really introduce him to a party."
"You're gonna love it. They play music, you dance, you yell at the straights and then you get wrecked in the evening. There's nothing like it." And he didn't think he would realistically make it to pride but he could pretend. Pretending was fun. He looked at Hartley and smiled at him, wishing he could kiss him properly and take care of him but he was totally out of his depth here. Sick and useless. God, he didn't want Hartley to be alone. "Shit, love, can you, uh, can you go and fetch me a kit-kat cause I'm actually hungry and I have a ridic specific craving."
He didn't, he just wanted Hartley out of the room for a moment, he had to talk to someone about Hartley before he died or no one would know what he wanted.
"Kit-kats are amazing." Remus agreed with a nod of solidarity. "I can't always eat but I can always eat chocolate."
"You better actually eat that kit-kat or I'll force-feed you." Hartley said it in a tone that was much more threatening than caring, but pissed off was often how he conveyed deeper emotions. He gave Harry's shoulder a squeeze and then headed for the door, pausing to look at Remus. "You want something too?"
"Remus always wants chocolate. Go with him, love. Here." Sirius handed Remus his wallet, just in case he was short of coins. Then he watched the two of them leave before pulling up a chair and sitting by Harry's bedside. "Hey, Haz." Well, he assumed he wanted to talk. "He is so gonna make you eat that kit-kat."
"I know, he's gonna force it down me. I won't get the whole thing but I can manage maybe half." And that was being generous. He watched Remus and Hartley through the door until they disappeared and then he looked at Sirius, rubbing at his red, bloodshot eyes. "Can you do me a favour? When I'm gone, keep an eye on Hartley. Don't let him work himself to death over this and make sure he gets out. Goes to pride. Meets people and all that. Cause he's young, he should live for himself and not for me."
He wished he could just be with Hartley but it wasn't looking good and he had to make sure he'd be fine. "I'm so fucked, Sirius. It's bad. It's like -- the doctor talked to me. My immune system barely exists. I got so many things wrong with me, I keep having fits. I wish -- I wish Hartley didn't have to be here. To see it. It's not fair on him."
"I know. I get that, Haz, but it's his choice too. His life. His love. He's there with you because he can't be anywhere else." In hospital or in his lab and barely sleeping. Of course it was taking a toll, but Sirius got it. Him and Remus hadn't been together that long, but of course he'd be doing the same. "Hartley's smart. Smarter than us, for sure. I'm sure he knows."
Knew that it wasn't looking good. Hell, it was kind of obvious. "We'll be there for you and Hartley, all right? I promise. I like him. Hey, and Aziraphale thinks he's a lovely boy. Very polite." Apparently.
"Aziraphale is a shitty judge of character, isn't he?" Harry rolled his eyes and sighed, wishing he knew what to do but he didn't know what else to say or where to put his energy. He just wanted Hartley to be okay. "I watched my dad die in hospital, he died pretty slowly. He got sick. Then he got scepsis. Screaming in agony and fighting to the bitter end. I watched it all and -- I know what it feels like."
And here he was, suffering the same fate. "I wanted to -- to not die here but I don't know if I can put it on Hartley. To die at home." And yet, he selfishly wanted to beg for it still. "Am I a selfish bastard?"
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"I don't want to die in here." Harry told Hartley as he looked around at the nurses and doctors. "I don't want to die like my dad. I want to die at home. Please. Please, help me, I don't want this."
It was always his worse nightmare. He hated hospitals. "I want to end it there."
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He promised it and he hated himself for saying it, because it was acknowledging that Harry would die. Would perhaps even die soon. "But you're not dying just yet. Okay? You'll... You'll get better and I'll take you home. And if you don't want to, you don't have to come back here again. I know how to take care of you. Least then you can't mistreat any nurses, you asshole."
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Harry was rude on most days but right now, he was testy like nothing else and God help anyone who came near him but Hartley. "When you the gay boys get here? Are they bring you baked goods? Cause they fucking better. If they come here with fruit and not chocolate, I'm throwing it at them." Just fair warning.
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He had been distracted on the phone. Of course he had been. "Baked goods are guaranteed though, with Aziraphale involved."
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"Best part about the AIDS group is the drama, you know?" He loved it. The Felix and Holden saga, the stuff with Sirius, the whole lesbian rebellion where they split off to form their own group. He loved it all. "I'll miss those messy bitches."
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Speaking of gossip. "Don't think I could be friends with anyone straight." He could barely be friends with anyone anyway. "I'm no good at friendship though, men just tolerate me when they learn I'm good at sucking dick." Perhaps an exaggeration, but Harry liked raunchy humour.
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With an amused laugh, he shook his head, full of disbelief. "I had a straight friend once. It sucked. Straight people are just more boring and they have these fucked up ideas in their heads about how we should be. Fuck 'em all."
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"I'm very intolerant of straight people these days. Not sure if that makes me a bad person, but I don't care." He had no patience for most of the population anyway. "That's my advice to Sirius. Stop being friends with straight people. Seems like needless hassle."
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"Hart, can you get me some mints from the vending machine? I hate the taste in my mouth." He always did, like chemicals and sickness. He wanted to not think about it.
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He walked right to the vending machine, got what he needed and on the way back he walked into Sirius and Remus. Sirius was carrying a paper bag of Aziraphale's cookies and Hartley led them into Harry's room, immediately giving Harry the mints. "The gay boys are here."
"Yeah, it's the poufter parade," Sirius said in agreement, one arm around Remus, "You know, Haz, you're kinda lucky. You've always been pale, so you make looking like shit look intentional."
Still better than just asking him if he was doing well, Hartley supposed.
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"It's not bad, at least your ears don't stick out like mine. I'll look well daft if I have hair like that." Remus smiled as he looked at Harry, a horrible vision of his future. He felt so bad for him and he was trying, he really was, but it was scary.
And Harry knew that, he could sense it from Remus' body language but he didn't draw attention.
"How's the old ones? Uncle Holden and Auntie Felix?"
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Harry looked like hell, Hartley looked exhausting too. it was all depressing, but Sirius had been told so often that he could change to mood in a room. He was certainly trying. "Remus and Holden are planning some kind of fundraising calendar for the bookstore. I might be on the cover."
"And that's a nude calendar?" Hartley asked with interest, turning to Remus. "Professional curiosity."
"He's a professional pervert," Sirius agreed.
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"They're thinking June, it's a fun month but honestly, it seemed to be evolving from someone different every month to Sirius posing in different ways every month." Remus blamed Felix but hey, whatever sold the calendar would be amazing so he was down. "We all discussed it and Sirius has the most mass appeal."
"Oh yes, straight girls love him as much as us fags." Harry smirked and put a mint in his mouth, chewing it happily. "What you raising money for? More for the AIDS stuff or anything fun like a coffee machine in the book shop? Cause that seems like a better goal."
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"Maybe just correct it. Don't know any Colin with a big dick. I know Crowley has one." Everyone knew that, he wore tight pants like Harry. "Holden and Felix should fix up their own place a bit. The way they're offering it out to people whenever needed."
They really were like everyone's parents.
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"Give me a sneak peek." Harry said finally voice raspy and horrible as he lay back in bed and looking up at Sirius, smiling sadly. "It's my make-a-wish. Shirtless Sirius."
Well, his wish was Hartley and him retiring somewhere nice and never being stressed again but that seemed impossible so he'd take this.
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"Oh, it's just fine." Hartley assured him, sitting next to Harry and rubbing his shoulder. "How is it living with that, Remus? Does he use it to distract you and get out of chores?"
Maybe not everyone was as easily distracted as him.
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"I can see why." Harry whistled playfully and looking at Hartley, waggling his eyebrows. "Hart used to do that to me by accident. Under the geek look, he's a hunk. Trust me. He's got a yoga bod that rivals Sirius but only I get to see it." Which made it pretty special.
"Everyone gets to see Sirius. He's for the people, you know. With great power comes great responsibility." Remus joked as he held his boyfriend's clothes and kept an eye out. "Let's try not to get thrown out, Sirius. I'm setting a time limit for a minute at most."
"Aww, boooo. I'm dying, let me oggle."
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Sirius laughed, sticking his tongue out at Harry. "You better not die before you can pick and design a month for that calendar. I know you know what appeals to the poufters."
"Don't we all." Hartley shook his head, then playfully covered Harry's eyes. "Don't fall for him, he's a siren."
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Remus snorted in amusement and tossed Sirius' shirt at him. "Shirt on or no one here will buy the calendar. Stop giving it away for free."
"Shit." Harry snorted in disbelief and shook his head. "I wanna see that calendar." All twelve months of it for a whole year. He really wanted it. He didn't want to die. He bit his lip and fought back any anger or sadness. "I have ideas."
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"You'll see the calendar," Hartley said, insistent. No way of knowing, but he would never accept this. Would always keep fighting. "You are the best boyfriend. You have to keep proving that. That's a lifetime job. We agreed, you're getting better this time. We'll get you out of here."
"That's a grand idea, brill. You can be there when we workshop calendar pages." Wasn't that a fun thing to get out of hospital for? "It's also Remus's first proper Pride. Can't wait to really introduce him to a party."
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He didn't, he just wanted Hartley out of the room for a moment, he had to talk to someone about Hartley before he died or no one would know what he wanted.
"Kit-kats are amazing." Remus agreed with a nod of solidarity. "I can't always eat but I can always eat chocolate."
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"Remus always wants chocolate. Go with him, love. Here." Sirius handed Remus his wallet, just in case he was short of coins. Then he watched the two of them leave before pulling up a chair and sitting by Harry's bedside. "Hey, Haz." Well, he assumed he wanted to talk. "He is so gonna make you eat that kit-kat."
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He wished he could just be with Hartley but it wasn't looking good and he had to make sure he'd be fine. "I'm so fucked, Sirius. It's bad. It's like -- the doctor talked to me. My immune system barely exists. I got so many things wrong with me, I keep having fits. I wish -- I wish Hartley didn't have to be here. To see it. It's not fair on him."
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Knew that it wasn't looking good. Hell, it was kind of obvious. "We'll be there for you and Hartley, all right? I promise. I like him. Hey, and Aziraphale thinks he's a lovely boy. Very polite." Apparently.
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And here he was, suffering the same fate. "I wanted to -- to not die here but I don't know if I can put it on Hartley. To die at home." And yet, he selfishly wanted to beg for it still. "Am I a selfish bastard?"
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