That weekend, Sirius was proudly walking hand in hand with Remus. He had a tie-dye rainbow bandana tied in his hair to hold it back, he was with a boyfriend - at least he was using the word in his head - wore a David Bowie shirt under his leather jacket and had jeans on that were tight in a way that had made Remus gulp. He was feeling gay in both senses of the word, and he felt pride in all senses of that word as well.
Today, Remus had been awake a bit earlier and that was just as well, because Sirius wanted to take him places. "This is a gay bookstore, but it's so much more. It's like a hub. Like a haven. If you wanna know what's happening, you go there. If you need help, you go there. It's where we meet to organise events and marches and all that too. The owner's Holden O'Shea. He's brilliant, he really is. You'll love him. He's like everyone's gay dad. Or gay uncle. I don't know."
"Sounds like fun, just need to -- wake myself up more and I'll look more eager. My head is cracking." He had some days like this, especially on these meds. He got dizzy, tired and headachey - it was never a fun combo. "Didn't know there was such a thing as a gay bookstore. Would be nice to read more queer stuff, most the stuff I read is the same damn thing these days. Girl and boy, whirlwind love, blah, blah, blah."
Remus yawned and sipped his drink that his lovely boyfriend had purchased him. It was a hot cocoa with extra sugar in it, just to perk him up a little. He had an unfortunate morning where he'd barfed up most of his breakfast, not that he told Sirius, but now everything seemed to have settled. Much nicer.
Holding Sirius' hand, he peered around a little, just interested. "I've never properly seen London before. It's not half as nice as they said it was. Made it sound all fancy like but it's not that different from where I'm from. Same shitty news agents and ASDAs."
"Depends where you go, I reckon. Looks different where I grew up. I like it a lot more out there. Especially in the gaybourhood." Which they were in, even if it was more subtle during the day than at night. He'd seen blokes make out all over the place at night here. And over there. And there.
He shook his head at his own observations, then pointed out the rainbow flag on one house they were approaching. "That's the place right there. Gay's the Word. I buy all my books there these days, I know you've been perusing the collection. He's got porn too."
In case that was of interest. "And the gown store right next to it sells a lot to drag queens. I got stuff from there before, for stage."
"Ah, okay. Looks cool." He tilted his head to the side and wondered if it was safe to be seen going in and out of here. He looked around, feeling as nervous as he always did when he attempted stuff like this. He just didn't want to cause any trouble, he didn't handle being beaten very well. The one time he had his ass kicked for being queer, he almost died - if he bled, it didn't stop, it kept going.
He held Sirius' hand tight, choosing to trust him. He trusted him enough to hold his hand, it seemed too late to back out now just because the place had flags. He walked up to the door and let go of Sirius, opening it and holding it for him. "Huh." There were a lot more queer books than he remembered.
Sirius held Remus's hand tightly in turn, smiling at him encouragingly. He had never really been one for nerves himself, but he got it. Of course he got it. It made sense, after all, even more so for Remus. "In you go, love."
He walked in and pulled Remus along again, calling out. "Holden?! It's me!"
"You don't have to announce yourself every time you bloody come in, Siriu-- Ohh!" All right, that explained the announcement. Holden came out from behind the counter, giving a nod to Remus. "Are you the chosen one? I've been wondering who Sirius has been holding out for. You can always tell a romantic."
"...don't be embarrassing." Sirius cleared his throat, but he did proudly wrap his arms around Remus. "That's my boyfriend. Remus."
"Hello. Nice to meet you, I'm Remus." Remus held up his hand and waved a little, awkward and unsure what else to do. He had never met people like this or been someone's boyfriend so it was all very new to him. "We're just ... we're dating. A bit. You know."
Why was he clarifying it? He looked away sheepishly and tried to study the books and looked very casual, not awkward and interested in anything but Holden and Sirius. He was aloof. Cool.
Oh shit, he was staring at the porn! He quickly looked the other way, fuck sake. "Nice, erm, nice place."
"You're cute, Remus. Don't think you have to settle for Sirius here just because he's the first boy who made a move. Plenty of fish in the sea." Holden joked and patted Remus's shoulder, hoping to get him to relax a little.
"Excuse you! He couldn't possibly do better than me. I'm a prince among gays. I'm premium. I'm a queen among peasants is what I am!" Sirius made all of those claims proudly, then immediately switched topics smoothly. "Remus here is a gentleman and a scholar, he'll wanna actually look at the books. Even the boring ones."
"Really?" Holden raised his eyebrows. "That is special. Usually they just come here to pick up their porn subscriptions. What kind of books are you interested in, Remus?"
"I don't know, I'll read anything. I like non fiction a lot lately but I can always get myself into an adventure or a romance. Though these days, I appreciate a happy ending for my romances." And that was kind of the mood he wanted - everything ended well and everyone was happily in love, no tragedy or death. "I only have a tenner though so--"
Above him, he could hear someone singing off key. Singing Abba, even. It was a little distracting, hard to ignore. He assumed the people who lived above.
"I see your neighbour is a dancing queen. Interesting."
"Yeah, that's my partner. I'm starting to get this feeling that he might be queer, not sure what to do about it." Holden said it dryly, while leading Remus over to a bookshelf. "These are the romances, the gay ones. We've got lesbian over there. And if you look at the colour code, black dots are the ones that don't end happily. You'll want to follow the colour spectrum for the ones that do. I'd stick with red."
"That's not the same as the hankie code, Remus. Just so you know. Really not." Sirius felt it was important to inform him of that. In so many ways, Remus was still young and inexperienced, after all. "I'm surprised Felix is up already. Is he gonna come down? I want him to meet Remus!"
"He's like a puppy, your boyfriend," Holden talked to Remus, but in a fond tone, "Maybe you should get a leash. Perhaps a muzzle."
"He's excitable. I've never had someone meet me and take me home so swiftly just to hang. I thought he was a serial killer." Remus told Holden with a shrug, not sure if he was being irrational or not but it sure seemed it. And it was even weirder with the added trans and AIDS stuff he had left out.
"Hoooooooolden!" Felix yelled down the stairs. "I can't find my pants!"
Remus raised an eyebrow. Yeah and his boyfriend was the excited puppy? Pfft. No wonder Sirius was eager to see him.
"Don't judge me," Holden said to Remus, "His cheekbones could cut glass. I'm not strong enough to resist how good he looks." Also, of course, he loved the idiot. Which was why he sounded fond, even as he yelled back. "Behind the telly, sweetheart!"
He shrugged and looked at the two boys. "He was doing a sexy striptease before bed last night, almost took a lamp down."
"Ew. I don't want to think about you two shagging, it's unnatural." Sirius had sat himself on the counter, browsing a sexy magazine. "They're old," he fake-whispered to Remus.
"They're not that old." He had been in teacher training courses with people who were older so in his mind, he didn't think Holden looked especially old. Just not his age. "I just don't wanna hear about anyone shagging, honestly." He said while idly peering at Sirius' sexy magazine.
Well, until Felix burst in, making an entrance as he always did. He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with 'Gay Rights' lovingly embroidered onto it.
"Oh Christ, you'll let any sorry looking sort into the shop these days. What's a div like that doing in here? Can you ever read?" Felix mocked Sirius playfully as he grabbed a magazine off the table, balled it up and came over to gently whop Sirius on the head. "You calling me old again, brat?"
"I don't have to, grandpa, those crow's feet are doing it for me," Sirius claimed with a laugh, looking Felix over critically, "Is that a grey hair I see?"
"That's impossible," Holden commented, "He dyes his hair." He leaned against the bookshelf, watching Felix interact with Sirius with a smile in spite of it all. It was so good, seeing Felix make connections.
"You're not taking the piss? He dyes it?" Sirius was already laughing.
"Natural ginger, that one." And for some reason he felt the need to hide that fact. Such a shame, Holden liked his natural colour.
"Look, I ain't going grey, I'm just cursed. I'm fucking ginger and I wanna be hot so I dye it. No one likes a ginger unless it's like... a long leggy lass, you know? Not some English twit." Felix dismissed as he came over and put an arm around Sirius, half hugging him and looking at the other kid. Well, time to scare him. "Is it working? Am I hot?"
Remus looked at him, frowning and baffled. He looked at Holden and then back to Felix. "I don't think dyeing your hair would change much. I don't mind gingers."
"See, don't mind. Not 'I love gingers'. People tolerate us, Holden." Felix lamented as he raised his hand to pet Sirius' soft hair. "Who's your new mate?"
"I love a ginger, me," Holden claimed, watching Sirius and Felix with amusement. He certainly thought that Felix was hot the way he was as well, however, so it wasn't as if he minded too much. "This is Remus. Sirius brought him to meet us." Because clearly that was what was happening. Sirius had no other family to introduce Remus too, this was the equivalent. Holden found it touching.
"Remus is my boyfriend," Sirius explained happily, "And I brought him here because he's a proper studious sort. He's got a teaching degree and everything, so he wants books. I brought him to the books." And, yes, to meet his gay dads. He supposed that too, not that he'd admit it.
"I've already told Remus that he still has time to get out of it," Holden assured Felix.
"Yeah, you see this here? This loser, he's well smart. Like super smart. Went to uni and everything." Felix explained as he pointed at his boyfriend. "And blokes liked him, garbage ones unfortunately but they did. He's handsome, ain't he? And yet, YET, he ended up with me. What does that tell you?"
"That he loves you." Remus answered with a small smile, looking at Sirius. Well, that was what he got from the story.
"Oh no, he's a lost cause. Already too." Felix tutted and then wrapped his arm around Holden, kissing his cheek. "I guess young love is unstoppable. Powerful. Dangerous." Especially for him. "You kids just ... stick together and be safe, yeah?"
"They're romantics. There's no saving them," Holden diagnosed, turning to kiss Felix's cheek as well. "But Felix is right. All's well if you just stick together and be safe." He leaned against Felix, trying to interpret the look on Sirius's face for just a moment there. Huh.
"Sheesh, you are so dramatic," said Sirius, clearly having never been dramatic even a day in his life. He looked at Remus with a smile, though, because he did love him. He was loved and he loved in return. What better thing was there? Shaking his head, he looked at Felix. "I've got a question for you, actually. It's about a wardrobe change I've got to do on stage."
"Ah, performers." Holden rolled his eyes, gesturing to the books again. "What did you study exactly, Remus? You know, we've got a lot of academic books here too, if you're ever interested. There's gays everywhere, especially in academia. Almost as much as in theatre."
"Oooh, is it like a stripping thing or an elaborate change cause I've done both. Come here." He gestured for Sirius to come with him but not before he nuzzled Holden and whispered into his ear. "You look hot today." Sometimes it was just funny, to see Holden get annoyed... yes, he was a bad person. What of it?
Remus looked nervously at Sirius and he didn't know how he felt about him leaving but, well, he was an adult and this was a book shop. He could handle it. He just felt uneasy. The safe comment was telling. Jesus, he was reckless yesterday. Did they somehow know?!
"Education and English Language. Then I did a PGCE after my bachelors. I was training up in a school but, uh, didn't work." Remus confessed as he put his hands into his pockets and looked around. "Never met a gay academic myself. Or a gay teacher. I'm sure they hide it though, like anyone smart does."
Holden felt his face heat up, knowing that he was blushing and he hated himself for it. He gave Felix a shove and rolled his eyes, trying to breathe past it so he could focus at the shy boy. A shy and awkward boy dating Sirius Black of all people. Oh boy, that could only end well. "There's a few that are out, but only in safe positions, higher up. As you say, sometimes it's just-- Safer. To hide."
Which he clearly wasn't doing, running this bookstore. And wearing quite a few telling badges on his black button up shirt. "This book about gay history, I can recommend that. It's a fun read, for something academic. I also like these, but I would, wouldn't I? I studied psychology." And they had a lot of those books. "Don't worry, none of them have nonsense like 'it's just a phase' or how it's a disorder. We are what we are. That's it."
"Thanks, I don't always have time to read but any recommendations, I'll take it. I can afford one for now but I can come back. I think I'm staying, I'm not sure. I didn't plan to, I just fell asleep on the train but, well, I dunno. Got nothing to go back to." He made it sound as if he didn't want to visit his parents or any of that stuff but it wasn't that. He just hated that they worried, he hated that he was a burden and he didn't want to come back a jobless loser. He'd rather be hidden away in London.
He looked over the book on gay history and then frowning, opening it to scan ahead and look at the Stonewall stuff. It didn't change the history so that was already a win, he had seen some dubious editing before. "You gotta be brave, running a place like this. Bet you get bricked in all the time."
"Yeah, well. It happens." Holden shrugged, watching Remus as he browsed the books. "I was born in Dublin. I'm sure you know enough history to get why it takes a lot to scare me. And when we moved over here, I was scrawny, Irish and couldn't hide the lilt. Life can be tough for all kinds of reasons. I just never felt as if hiding was worth it."
Not when instead he could be out and proud and live with Felix. Run this place so people had somewhere to come that wasn't just about partying, because life wasn't just a party. Especially these days. "Sirius is no good at hiding either, I'm sure you know. But he's a good sort. That he's brought you here like that... He's never done this before. You must be special."
"I dunno why, I still think I'm dead and this is the last few moments before I expire but, you know, it's a good last few moments. They say the brain is a powerful thing." Though he would have liked less vomiting and headaches in his hallucination dream but whatever. He would take it for the hot guy. "I have no idea why I'm special but you know, you may as well just go for things sometimes. Live fast and all that."
He was swept up in Sirius, he knew that but he liked it. He liked the feeling of being swept up in Sirius, it was thrilling. Like a drug or something.
"I like this whole thing. A book store, you know? It's more my style. I tried the club thing but I hated it. The music hurts my head and I don't do one night stands so it's like... what do you do to meet people like you?" It was really difficult.
That language there. Thinking he was dead. Holden had a feeling he was right with his hunch, but of course he didn't press it. But there it was. Live fast.
"That's why I started this place, really." Holden looked around. "We've meetings here for all sorts. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals. Transgender advice, poetry readings, HIV support groups, movie nights,... I try to make sure everyone has somewhere to go. No one should feel like they are lonely. For some of us, this is all the family we have."
At least the best kind of family they could ever find. "I'm like you. I used to go out to the club scene, but it was-- Honestly, I like dancing just fine. Otherwise it was just a way to get my heart beat up and broken in different ways every night." He smiled a little, looking off to where he could still hear Felix. "He used to be out there. Different blokes all the time. I always carried a torch, just never thought he'd notice."
"Felix, you mean? I'm sorry. It must have sucked. Love is... tricky." Remus set the book aside and leaned against the wall, not sure how to feel about any of this stuff but it was nice to know that everyone had a place. He certainly didn't feel like he had any. Too much of a girl for some blokes, not a real guy and all, and even then, even getting passed that hurdle, his sickness was always in the way. "I never dated before, I didn't wanna deal with it. Seemed like a hassle. Then, I dunno, got sick a while back and I just wanted to try it all out. See what I was missing. I didn't like it."
He wished he had someone he had held a torch for or some fun crush but he didn't. Not even at school. He had been sick, inconsistent at school, never really formed any connections. He had always been alone, it was the way it was.
"You mind if I sit?" Remus felt his legs cramping and he was still so dizzy, he just yearned to sit down and not do anything.
"Of course. Come on, that's what the nook is for." He moved aside to guide Remus along, then leaned against the counter close to him, so they could keep their conversation going. "Do you need some water or tea? It's important to hydrate."
He was concerned, of course. Holden looked Remus over, then decided to go for it. "Felix is sick. He's been-- Oh, I think he was the second patient recorded in the UK. They gave him twelve weeks back then."
Yet here he was, still going strong. Worrying Holden every day, but what else was new?
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Yesterday, Remus had been so tired he had slept until noon, but he had appreciated the breakfast Sirius had bought for him at the café downstairs. Then they'd spent the rest of the day listening to records, having deep and also deeply silly conversations, passing around Sirius's guitar to play songs for each other and, finally, after a lot of persuasion from Sirius, they had made love. Safely, of course.
Today, Remus had been awake a bit earlier and that was just as well, because Sirius wanted to take him places. "This is a gay bookstore, but it's so much more. It's like a hub. Like a haven. If you wanna know what's happening, you go there. If you need help, you go there. It's where we meet to organise events and marches and all that too. The owner's Holden O'Shea. He's brilliant, he really is. You'll love him. He's like everyone's gay dad. Or gay uncle. I don't know."
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Remus yawned and sipped his drink that his lovely boyfriend had purchased him. It was a hot cocoa with extra sugar in it, just to perk him up a little. He had an unfortunate morning where he'd barfed up most of his breakfast, not that he told Sirius, but now everything seemed to have settled. Much nicer.
Holding Sirius' hand, he peered around a little, just interested. "I've never properly seen London before. It's not half as nice as they said it was. Made it sound all fancy like but it's not that different from where I'm from. Same shitty news agents and ASDAs."
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He shook his head at his own observations, then pointed out the rainbow flag on one house they were approaching. "That's the place right there. Gay's the Word. I buy all my books there these days, I know you've been perusing the collection. He's got porn too."
In case that was of interest. "And the gown store right next to it sells a lot to drag queens. I got stuff from there before, for stage."
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He held Sirius' hand tight, choosing to trust him. He trusted him enough to hold his hand, it seemed too late to back out now just because the place had flags. He walked up to the door and let go of Sirius, opening it and holding it for him. "Huh." There were a lot more queer books than he remembered.
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He walked in and pulled Remus along again, calling out. "Holden?! It's me!"
"You don't have to announce yourself every time you bloody come in, Siriu-- Ohh!" All right, that explained the announcement. Holden came out from behind the counter, giving a nod to Remus. "Are you the chosen one? I've been wondering who Sirius has been holding out for. You can always tell a romantic."
"...don't be embarrassing." Sirius cleared his throat, but he did proudly wrap his arms around Remus. "That's my boyfriend. Remus."
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Why was he clarifying it? He looked away sheepishly and tried to study the books and looked very casual, not awkward and interested in anything but Holden and Sirius. He was aloof. Cool.
Oh shit, he was staring at the porn! He quickly looked the other way, fuck sake. "Nice, erm, nice place."
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"Excuse you! He couldn't possibly do better than me. I'm a prince among gays. I'm premium. I'm a queen among peasants is what I am!" Sirius made all of those claims proudly, then immediately switched topics smoothly. "Remus here is a gentleman and a scholar, he'll wanna actually look at the books. Even the boring ones."
"Really?" Holden raised his eyebrows. "That is special. Usually they just come here to pick up their porn subscriptions. What kind of books are you interested in, Remus?"
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Above him, he could hear someone singing off key. Singing Abba, even. It was a little distracting, hard to ignore. He assumed the people who lived above.
"I see your neighbour is a dancing queen. Interesting."
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"That's not the same as the hankie code, Remus. Just so you know. Really not." Sirius felt it was important to inform him of that. In so many ways, Remus was still young and inexperienced, after all. "I'm surprised Felix is up already. Is he gonna come down? I want him to meet Remus!"
"He's like a puppy, your boyfriend," Holden talked to Remus, but in a fond tone, "Maybe you should get a leash. Perhaps a muzzle."
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"Hoooooooolden!" Felix yelled down the stairs. "I can't find my pants!"
Remus raised an eyebrow. Yeah and his boyfriend was the excited puppy? Pfft. No wonder Sirius was eager to see him.
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He shrugged and looked at the two boys. "He was doing a sexy striptease before bed last night, almost took a lamp down."
"Ew. I don't want to think about you two shagging, it's unnatural." Sirius had sat himself on the counter, browsing a sexy magazine. "They're old," he fake-whispered to Remus.
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Well, until Felix burst in, making an entrance as he always did. He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with 'Gay Rights' lovingly embroidered onto it.
"Oh Christ, you'll let any sorry looking sort into the shop these days. What's a div like that doing in here? Can you ever read?" Felix mocked Sirius playfully as he grabbed a magazine off the table, balled it up and came over to gently whop Sirius on the head. "You calling me old again, brat?"
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"That's impossible," Holden commented, "He dyes his hair." He leaned against the bookshelf, watching Felix interact with Sirius with a smile in spite of it all. It was so good, seeing Felix make connections.
"You're not taking the piss? He dyes it?" Sirius was already laughing.
"Natural ginger, that one." And for some reason he felt the need to hide that fact. Such a shame, Holden liked his natural colour.
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Remus looked at him, frowning and baffled. He looked at Holden and then back to Felix. "I don't think dyeing your hair would change much. I don't mind gingers."
"See, don't mind. Not 'I love gingers'. People tolerate us, Holden." Felix lamented as he raised his hand to pet Sirius' soft hair. "Who's your new mate?"
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"Remus is my boyfriend," Sirius explained happily, "And I brought him here because he's a proper studious sort. He's got a teaching degree and everything, so he wants books. I brought him to the books." And, yes, to meet his gay dads. He supposed that too, not that he'd admit it.
"I've already told Remus that he still has time to get out of it," Holden assured Felix.
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"That he loves you." Remus answered with a small smile, looking at Sirius. Well, that was what he got from the story.
"Oh no, he's a lost cause. Already too." Felix tutted and then wrapped his arm around Holden, kissing his cheek. "I guess young love is unstoppable. Powerful. Dangerous." Especially for him. "You kids just ... stick together and be safe, yeah?"
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"Sheesh, you are so dramatic," said Sirius, clearly having never been dramatic even a day in his life. He looked at Remus with a smile, though, because he did love him. He was loved and he loved in return. What better thing was there? Shaking his head, he looked at Felix. "I've got a question for you, actually. It's about a wardrobe change I've got to do on stage."
"Ah, performers." Holden rolled his eyes, gesturing to the books again. "What did you study exactly, Remus? You know, we've got a lot of academic books here too, if you're ever interested. There's gays everywhere, especially in academia. Almost as much as in theatre."
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Remus looked nervously at Sirius and he didn't know how he felt about him leaving but, well, he was an adult and this was a book shop. He could handle it. He just felt uneasy. The safe comment was telling. Jesus, he was reckless yesterday. Did they somehow know?!
"Education and English Language. Then I did a PGCE after my bachelors. I was training up in a school but, uh, didn't work." Remus confessed as he put his hands into his pockets and looked around. "Never met a gay academic myself. Or a gay teacher. I'm sure they hide it though, like anyone smart does."
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Which he clearly wasn't doing, running this bookstore. And wearing quite a few telling badges on his black button up shirt. "This book about gay history, I can recommend that. It's a fun read, for something academic. I also like these, but I would, wouldn't I? I studied psychology." And they had a lot of those books. "Don't worry, none of them have nonsense like 'it's just a phase' or how it's a disorder. We are what we are. That's it."
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He looked over the book on gay history and then frowning, opening it to scan ahead and look at the Stonewall stuff. It didn't change the history so that was already a win, he had seen some dubious editing before. "You gotta be brave, running a place like this. Bet you get bricked in all the time."
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Not when instead he could be out and proud and live with Felix. Run this place so people had somewhere to come that wasn't just about partying, because life wasn't just a party. Especially these days. "Sirius is no good at hiding either, I'm sure you know. But he's a good sort. That he's brought you here like that... He's never done this before. You must be special."
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He was swept up in Sirius, he knew that but he liked it. He liked the feeling of being swept up in Sirius, it was thrilling. Like a drug or something.
"I like this whole thing. A book store, you know? It's more my style. I tried the club thing but I hated it. The music hurts my head and I don't do one night stands so it's like... what do you do to meet people like you?" It was really difficult.
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"That's why I started this place, really." Holden looked around. "We've meetings here for all sorts. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals. Transgender advice, poetry readings, HIV support groups, movie nights,... I try to make sure everyone has somewhere to go. No one should feel like they are lonely. For some of us, this is all the family we have."
At least the best kind of family they could ever find. "I'm like you. I used to go out to the club scene, but it was-- Honestly, I like dancing just fine. Otherwise it was just a way to get my heart beat up and broken in different ways every night." He smiled a little, looking off to where he could still hear Felix. "He used to be out there. Different blokes all the time. I always carried a torch, just never thought he'd notice."
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He wished he had someone he had held a torch for or some fun crush but he didn't. Not even at school. He had been sick, inconsistent at school, never really formed any connections. He had always been alone, it was the way it was.
"You mind if I sit?" Remus felt his legs cramping and he was still so dizzy, he just yearned to sit down and not do anything.
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He was concerned, of course. Holden looked Remus over, then decided to go for it. "Felix is sick. He's been-- Oh, I think he was the second patient recorded in the UK. They gave him twelve weeks back then."
Yet here he was, still going strong. Worrying Holden every day, but what else was new?
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