"Yeah, well. It happens." Holden shrugged, watching Remus as he browsed the books. "I was born in Dublin. I'm sure you know enough history to get why it takes a lot to scare me. And when we moved over here, I was scrawny, Irish and couldn't hide the lilt. Life can be tough for all kinds of reasons. I just never felt as if hiding was worth it."
Not when instead he could be out and proud and live with Felix. Run this place so people had somewhere to come that wasn't just about partying, because life wasn't just a party. Especially these days. "Sirius is no good at hiding either, I'm sure you know. But he's a good sort. That he's brought you here like that... He's never done this before. You must be special."
"I dunno why, I still think I'm dead and this is the last few moments before I expire but, you know, it's a good last few moments. They say the brain is a powerful thing." Though he would have liked less vomiting and headaches in his hallucination dream but whatever. He would take it for the hot guy. "I have no idea why I'm special but you know, you may as well just go for things sometimes. Live fast and all that."
He was swept up in Sirius, he knew that but he liked it. He liked the feeling of being swept up in Sirius, it was thrilling. Like a drug or something.
"I like this whole thing. A book store, you know? It's more my style. I tried the club thing but I hated it. The music hurts my head and I don't do one night stands so it's like... what do you do to meet people like you?" It was really difficult.
That language there. Thinking he was dead. Holden had a feeling he was right with his hunch, but of course he didn't press it. But there it was. Live fast.
"That's why I started this place, really." Holden looked around. "We've meetings here for all sorts. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals. Transgender advice, poetry readings, HIV support groups, movie nights,... I try to make sure everyone has somewhere to go. No one should feel like they are lonely. For some of us, this is all the family we have."
At least the best kind of family they could ever find. "I'm like you. I used to go out to the club scene, but it was-- Honestly, I like dancing just fine. Otherwise it was just a way to get my heart beat up and broken in different ways every night." He smiled a little, looking off to where he could still hear Felix. "He used to be out there. Different blokes all the time. I always carried a torch, just never thought he'd notice."
"Felix, you mean? I'm sorry. It must have sucked. Love is... tricky." Remus set the book aside and leaned against the wall, not sure how to feel about any of this stuff but it was nice to know that everyone had a place. He certainly didn't feel like he had any. Too much of a girl for some blokes, not a real guy and all, and even then, even getting passed that hurdle, his sickness was always in the way. "I never dated before, I didn't wanna deal with it. Seemed like a hassle. Then, I dunno, got sick a while back and I just wanted to try it all out. See what I was missing. I didn't like it."
He wished he had someone he had held a torch for or some fun crush but he didn't. Not even at school. He had been sick, inconsistent at school, never really formed any connections. He had always been alone, it was the way it was.
"You mind if I sit?" Remus felt his legs cramping and he was still so dizzy, he just yearned to sit down and not do anything.
"Of course. Come on, that's what the nook is for." He moved aside to guide Remus along, then leaned against the counter close to him, so they could keep their conversation going. "Do you need some water or tea? It's important to hydrate."
He was concerned, of course. Holden looked Remus over, then decided to go for it. "Felix is sick. He's been-- Oh, I think he was the second patient recorded in the UK. They gave him twelve weeks back then."
Yet here he was, still going strong. Worrying Holden every day, but what else was new?
Remus looked shocked for a moment but then it made sense. It was just about right, wasn't it? To be in that sort of circle and recognise the signs. He was a walking fucking sign that said AIDS these days. "I, uh, I'm careful. I don't want to give it to Sirius. I'm always safe. It was... it was my first time. With him."
He didn't want to get into it too much but this guy knew Sirius and he didn't want to give a bad impression.
"I have haemophilia. Genetic lottery on my end, always full of bad luck. It was in the blood I got, after I had an accident. I guess they didn't check it." He swallowed hard and then looked off at where Sirius was. "I didn't tell him. About it all. He doesn't care, how weird is that? That I don't have to explain to him. He just likes me."
"I know you are careful. You're a good lad. You gotta be too, because someone like Sirius? He won't always want to be careful." Or ever, if he was any judge, though here was hoping that Sirius would change his ways for this. It wouldn't be fair to put it all on Remus, after all. "I'm sorry you had such bad luck. That's awful."
He looked at him, sympathy plain on his face. "Felix was just irresponsible. But, to be fair to him, that was before anyone really knew. Just a few rumours here and there. Nothing like it is now." Holden shrugged his shoulders. "It's not-- Look, I've been with him for over a decade and, trust me, we are far from celibate. But we're safe. It's not all doom and gloom. And Sirius likes you, of course he does. What's not to like? Stop doubting it. You deserve to be loved, like anyone else."
"I don't remember a day where I haven't thrown up all I've eaten or felt like shit. Even with him, I feel like -- it never stops. I was a sick kid, you know? The bleeding and all. I got pneumonia not long ago and I thought it was the end but it somehow wasn't. Not yet. Breathing hurts. Everything hurts." Remus bit his lower lip, not sure why he was telling Holden but it just felt good to get it out because he couldn't tell anyone. He didn't even get into it with his doctors, he was too embarrassed to talk to them.
"I'm gonna die. I think probably soon. If the fucking disease doesn't, the meds will." Remus shrugged and then looked at where Sirius went again, feeling such guilt inside. "He doesn't deserve to live with all of this. It isn't right. I shouldn't do it to him."
There was a lot there, but none of it surprised Holden. He got out a pack of tissues and held it out to Remus, then he sat down next to him. A little awkward, but he patted his shoulder, then wrapped an arm around him. Not alone. That was what it was all about. "He chose you, same as I chose Felix. And I wake up every day - and often in the middle of the night - choosing him again. Yeah, that includes a lot of throwing up. Letting him rage. Talking him down from... so many mistakes. But it's my choice to make. He can't stop me from loving him."
And he'd certainly tried for a while there. "Remus, what meds are you taking? If you don't mind me asking. Because Felix stopped with most of them these days. We reckon a lot of them are making things worse."
Remus didn't cry, he didn't really cry much. He was most resigned and tired, showing his sadness more in his eyes and his movements than anything else. Not to say he was too manly to cry, he sobbed like a little baby when he got his results but now, it was so far in that he had fully accepted all of it. "I take AZT. Every four hours."
He got out his pill box and held it up for Holden. "They told me if I ever stop, I'll lose all the time I'm buying." And he wanted to keep that time. For Sirius, for playing house, for being alive for the first time. He wanted to live before he died. "It's just hard. Makes me really sick and sometimes, it makes my nose bleed and then I have to try and stop it... it's-- difficult."
Remus laughed a little and slipped his pills away. "But I make do, it's not so bad."
"Yeah, see... It's up to you, of course. Your decision. But Felix stopped with those because we noticed that the people we knew taking them, they'd die faster. Take a turn for the worse quickly. I'm no scientist, but the way a scientist we do know explained it, it seems as if it's fighting the disease, sure, but it's also fighting you." Holden frowned, wishing he was a little better at explaining this. "He's called Hartley Rathaway, that scientist. I'm sure he won't mind meeting you and telling you himself. He comes to the support group meetings. His partner is quite sick."
With an attitude to match. "Remember. Felix isn't taking those and he's not doing so badly. You've seen him."
"He also looks stronger than me. I'm pretty weak, dunno if I can pull it off. I think it'd take a miracle. Then again, so does me being alive even now." Remus had to laugh, it was kind of funny. He leaned his head back and looked up at the ceiling, wondering if it was worth gambling on. If it was worth trusting strangers over his doctors. Given their stellar advise up until now, maybe it was worth trusting Holden. "Maybe if your scientist has time, he can explain it to me like I'm five or something but -- I'd love stopping."
The side effects were, literally, killing him. "I'm usually not... not this impulsive. Going off with some guy. Living with him. Moving cities. I just -- you know, I just lost it all. Got fired, can't pay rent, what else am I gonna do?" He smiled at Holden, laughing a little. "I never thought that though - like fucking hell, he's handsome. How did that happen?!"
"Yeah, he rather is, isn't he? He's got a temper and no impulse control, takes every joke too far, but if you can live with that, I reckon you got lucky for a change there." Which felt good. He'd much rather it was that than Sirius running off with some idiot who didn't deserve it. "Look. For now, come here a few days a week. Help me sort the deliveries. Nothing too much, nothing too strenuous, but I could use the help and I can employ you. Pay you a bit."
Better than nothing, he supposed. "And you talk to our scientist and then have the most wonderful life with that beautiful boy over there, for however long you can."
Said boy was apparently returning, based on the increase in sound. "Here's one tip: Embrace the looks. When they stare because you're with the hottest bloke in the room. Don't get insecure. Get cocky. It's what I've had to learn."
"I have a job?" He was hired for something. He was going to get paid? Holy shit. What the fuck? He was going to have something to do again. He frowned and then, after it sunk in, he smiled hopefully at Holden. "Thank you."
For that and the advise. Get cocky? Well. He could try.
"Darling, I sorted out boy out." Felix called out as they re-entered, coming over to look at Holden and then Remus, a small frown. "Why is the energy so low in here? I was expected a nerdy book party."
"I told him I have AIDS." Remus confessed, assuming it was okay, given that Felix was sick too and Sirius knew. "And then he hired me... I think. Sirius, I have a job."
"And that got you down? I get that, I hate having a job too," Sirius said it with a grin, walking over to Remus and bending down so he could take his hand in his. He lifted it up to his lips and kissed it, looking into Remus's eyes the whole time. "I missed you."
Holden rolled his eyes and got up, sidestepping the young love. "He is taking those meds you stopped. I told him that he should talk to Hartley, so he can convince him to stop too."
One of Hartley's many causes. Next to stopping capitalism and curing AIDS. He was a busy and very driven young man.
"I'm not unhappy, just ... shocked." He leaned up, kissing Sirius and then reaching up, slipping his fingers into Sirius' belt so he could play with it a little.
"Oh yeah? Damn. Those meds are toxic. I am the only one from my original support group left standing and I'm the only one to avoid AZT. It buys time for some but not radically and not always. Do yourself a favour, don't take it." Felix advised as he crossed his arms and looked sideways at Holden. "They're using us as guinea pigs, Hartley is so right. Trying to off us gays, first by being lazy and now by giving us some rejected cancer stuff."
"We'll let Hartley do the talking. He's way scarier than you." Holden didn't want to pressure Remus too much all at once, especially since there was now also a concerned look on Sirius's face. Clearly the ball was rolling. "Did you teach Sirius your wardrobe trick?"
"Oh yeah, I think I've worked it out now." Sirius said it cheerily enough, tabling his worry for now. Instead he looked at Remus with a smile. "For an old bloke, Felix is pretty all right at dancing. You should see him some time, it's almost impressive. Not as good as me, of course..."
"You know, Sirius, that arrogance will be a lot less charming once the boyishness fades from your looks." Holden laughed when Sirius playfully stuck his tongue out, shaking his head. "Cheeky. Go next door and buy a paddle, Remus, maybe you can teach him some manners."
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no subject
Not when instead he could be out and proud and live with Felix. Run this place so people had somewhere to come that wasn't just about partying, because life wasn't just a party. Especially these days. "Sirius is no good at hiding either, I'm sure you know. But he's a good sort. That he's brought you here like that... He's never done this before. You must be special."
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He was swept up in Sirius, he knew that but he liked it. He liked the feeling of being swept up in Sirius, it was thrilling. Like a drug or something.
"I like this whole thing. A book store, you know? It's more my style. I tried the club thing but I hated it. The music hurts my head and I don't do one night stands so it's like... what do you do to meet people like you?" It was really difficult.
no subject
"That's why I started this place, really." Holden looked around. "We've meetings here for all sorts. Lesbians, gays, bisexuals. Transgender advice, poetry readings, HIV support groups, movie nights,... I try to make sure everyone has somewhere to go. No one should feel like they are lonely. For some of us, this is all the family we have."
At least the best kind of family they could ever find. "I'm like you. I used to go out to the club scene, but it was-- Honestly, I like dancing just fine. Otherwise it was just a way to get my heart beat up and broken in different ways every night." He smiled a little, looking off to where he could still hear Felix. "He used to be out there. Different blokes all the time. I always carried a torch, just never thought he'd notice."
no subject
He wished he had someone he had held a torch for or some fun crush but he didn't. Not even at school. He had been sick, inconsistent at school, never really formed any connections. He had always been alone, it was the way it was.
"You mind if I sit?" Remus felt his legs cramping and he was still so dizzy, he just yearned to sit down and not do anything.
no subject
He was concerned, of course. Holden looked Remus over, then decided to go for it. "Felix is sick. He's been-- Oh, I think he was the second patient recorded in the UK. They gave him twelve weeks back then."
Yet here he was, still going strong. Worrying Holden every day, but what else was new?
no subject
He didn't want to get into it too much but this guy knew Sirius and he didn't want to give a bad impression.
"I have haemophilia. Genetic lottery on my end, always full of bad luck. It was in the blood I got, after I had an accident. I guess they didn't check it." He swallowed hard and then looked off at where Sirius was. "I didn't tell him. About it all. He doesn't care, how weird is that? That I don't have to explain to him. He just likes me."
no subject
He looked at him, sympathy plain on his face. "Felix was just irresponsible. But, to be fair to him, that was before anyone really knew. Just a few rumours here and there. Nothing like it is now." Holden shrugged his shoulders. "It's not-- Look, I've been with him for over a decade and, trust me, we are far from celibate. But we're safe. It's not all doom and gloom. And Sirius likes you, of course he does. What's not to like? Stop doubting it. You deserve to be loved, like anyone else."
no subject
"I'm gonna die. I think probably soon. If the fucking disease doesn't, the meds will." Remus shrugged and then looked at where Sirius went again, feeling such guilt inside. "He doesn't deserve to live with all of this. It isn't right. I shouldn't do it to him."
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And he'd certainly tried for a while there. "Remus, what meds are you taking? If you don't mind me asking. Because Felix stopped with most of them these days. We reckon a lot of them are making things worse."
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He got out his pill box and held it up for Holden. "They told me if I ever stop, I'll lose all the time I'm buying." And he wanted to keep that time. For Sirius, for playing house, for being alive for the first time. He wanted to live before he died. "It's just hard. Makes me really sick and sometimes, it makes my nose bleed and then I have to try and stop it... it's-- difficult."
Remus laughed a little and slipped his pills away. "But I make do, it's not so bad."
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With an attitude to match. "Remember. Felix isn't taking those and he's not doing so badly. You've seen him."
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The side effects were, literally, killing him. "I'm usually not... not this impulsive. Going off with some guy. Living with him. Moving cities. I just -- you know, I just lost it all. Got fired, can't pay rent, what else am I gonna do?" He smiled at Holden, laughing a little. "I never thought that though - like fucking hell, he's handsome. How did that happen?!"
no subject
Better than nothing, he supposed. "And you talk to our scientist and then have the most wonderful life with that beautiful boy over there, for however long you can."
Said boy was apparently returning, based on the increase in sound. "Here's one tip: Embrace the looks. When they stare because you're with the hottest bloke in the room. Don't get insecure. Get cocky. It's what I've had to learn."
no subject
For that and the advise. Get cocky? Well. He could try.
"Darling, I sorted out boy out." Felix called out as they re-entered, coming over to look at Holden and then Remus, a small frown. "Why is the energy so low in here? I was expected a nerdy book party."
"I told him I have AIDS." Remus confessed, assuming it was okay, given that Felix was sick too and Sirius knew. "And then he hired me... I think. Sirius, I have a job."
no subject
Holden rolled his eyes and got up, sidestepping the young love. "He is taking those meds you stopped. I told him that he should talk to Hartley, so he can convince him to stop too."
One of Hartley's many causes. Next to stopping capitalism and curing AIDS. He was a busy and very driven young man.
no subject
"Oh yeah? Damn. Those meds are toxic. I am the only one from my original support group left standing and I'm the only one to avoid AZT. It buys time for some but not radically and not always. Do yourself a favour, don't take it." Felix advised as he crossed his arms and looked sideways at Holden. "They're using us as guinea pigs, Hartley is so right. Trying to off us gays, first by being lazy and now by giving us some rejected cancer stuff."
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"Oh yeah, I think I've worked it out now." Sirius said it cheerily enough, tabling his worry for now. Instead he looked at Remus with a smile. "For an old bloke, Felix is pretty all right at dancing. You should see him some time, it's almost impressive. Not as good as me, of course..."
"You know, Sirius, that arrogance will be a lot less charming once the boyishness fades from your looks." Holden laughed when Sirius playfully stuck his tongue out, shaking his head. "Cheeky. Go next door and buy a paddle, Remus, maybe you can teach him some manners."