"Being a gay man doesn't mean you're a feminist or a liberal or a good person but sometimes, I think the community forgets that. We ain't that kind of women, to trans people, to ethnicities." Remus always thought about it, as someone who had been bullied for first, being a women, and second, being trans - it was a tough community to survive in if you were different. "Also they just tear each other apart. Guys have to look a certain way or they're nothing. I guess it's what they do with girls but instead, it's almost a competition."
The gay scene could be a wonderful found family or a hot mess of exclusion, depending on the place. Remus smiled sheepishly and shrugged. "Sorry for getting political. Can't help it."
"That's fine. Don't apologise. Whether those young men want to admit it or not, you are political. I am. Our existence. We all get it on so many levels. It's stupid not to discuss it and not to be aware." It wasn't just stupid, it was dangerous to ignore these things.
"Reminds me. Fire extinguisher is over here. The door in the back here is reinforced, so if you need to and you have the time, hide behind that. Otherwise, never risk yourself for any book. Books can be replaced."
People, not so much. "You are a smart lad, Remus. Your Sirius is too, and he has his heart in the right place, he wants to fight for the cause, he's angry enough to do it, but he also thinks he's invincible. Not surprising." Given the way God had been giving with both hands the day she created him. "Glad you got a good head on your shoulders."
"Some people want to fight the whole world but I don't fancy that fight. I just want to survive and be happy, you know? I'll take what I can get and hope for more." Remus looked at the fire extinguisher and then nodded his head. "They threw a brick through my parents house. When it got out, that I have AIDS, they all assumed I was queer and spreading it around. That's when I moved out. I didn't want them to deal. I'm no stranger to this shit."
So he knew how to handle himself, even if he didn't look like it.
"Our sort aren't muscly or badass. We're just nerds. I think we learn faster to be smart and safe, not pick fights we can't win."
"I've been in plenty of fights, but not a lot I've started. And, honestly, even fewer than I've won." Some were just unavoidable. A lot of them were, given everything. Although of course he had made his choices accordingly. "I fight the quiet fight. I run this place. I won't apologise for who I am. I'll proudly love Felix and I'll protect any of you kids, if I can. But, yeah. Sometimes it's better to keep your head down, when you have to."
They weren't made to win fights, he supposed. "Do your parents know where you are? How you're doing?"
"I write to them. I told them a while back that I was relocated to a new school but I might tell them I've moved to London now for a better one. I send post cards a lot but, like, you know. My mom is sick, my dad works full time. I'm just added stress. I keep in touch, I make them feel like I'm safe and that's enough." He shrugged his shoulders, looking at the books and marking them off the order sheet. "My parents are a good sort. Always supported me. Even when I was twelve and I told them that if I have to live another day as a girl, I'll kill myself."
And they supported him. He hadn't expected it but there they were, loving and supportive, right to the bitter end. "I got the best parents in the world, they don't need my burden on them."
"You're a good son. And you got lucky with your parents, I admittedly can't relate to that." Nothing unusual around here. Holden put a price tag onto another book, slowly doing that task while they had that conversation. "But keep in mind that they might want to see you. See you be happy. Why not introduce them to Sirius?"
Holden shrugged, then chuckled a little. "I can tell you that Sirius would manage to charm your mother. He's very good at that."
"Maybe one day, when it all feels more secure, you know? When I know it won't all end up bust. Then I'll go back, a job and a boyfriend, they'll feel much better." He knew most parents wouldn't react to their son with a boyfriend so happily but his parents really did just want him to be happy, even at the expense of their own local reputation. He could never understand the depth of their love so he just tried to learn from it and have it himself.
"I wanna feel safe before I gamble. You know? I'm not a risk taker, as ironic as that all is. Being a gay, trans man with AIDS."
"I've never been huge on risks either. I leave that to Felix." Which was a good reminder, actually. Holden checked the clock on the wall, then straightened up. "I've got to see if he's awake yet. He needs a bit most days."
He was sure Remus could relate. "I'll be right back, in case anyone comes in. You can let them browse and I'll show you how to ring up purchases later."
That said he headed through the backdoor, then the rooms in the back and finally up the stairs. He opened the door to their flat and closed it behind him, calling out. "Felix? Are you awake yet, love?"
"No." Felix answered back as he lay on the bed, sitting upright in just his boxers, reading the newspaper with a small frown. The world was shit and he was tired of it all but still, he felt like he should read it before he turned it into paper mache. He was intending on making quite the prop for pride this year.
Tossing the paper on the floor, he turned and looked at Holden, grinning at him. "How is work going? How's the new hire?"
"He's great. I expect I'll come back to find him halfway having read a book and the task not quite complete, so he's perfect." Holden walked over to the bed and stood next to it so he could run his fingers through Felix's hair. Leaning down, he kissed him, hands trailing further down. Trying to feel his pulse, trying to see what his skin was like. Trying to gauge how he was doing.
"Sirius didn't want to leave. Separation anxiety. Young love." Ah, what a thing that was.
"I remember that feeling. That desperation. That desire. Christ, it's fun." Felix laughed as he pulled Holden down to kiss him, enjoying the way Holden was trying to analyse him. Cute. Real cute. "Look, Holden, I'm doing fine so you don't have to worry. No smoking, drinking fine and I'll have breakfast whenever I wanna move." Felix explained as he raised his hand to stroke Holden's hair playfully.
"I think you worry too much but I guess you have to, cause I know I don't. So someone has to."
"Who's worried? I'm just feeling you up." Which, well, was true as well. But of course he worried and they both knew it, it was just easier to joke about it. "I'm young and full of desire too." He looked down at Felix, raising an eyebrow. "It would come out more if you'd brushed your teeth already."
Admittedly. Maybe he wasn't quite that young and full of desire any more. "There's coffee ready. If you ask really nicely, I might be persuaded to bring you some. I don't know about breakfast, what do you want? Eggs? You should get nutrients."
Impulsively, Felix grabbed Holden's wrists and used the momentum to pull Holden onto the bed on top of him, wrapping a leg and an arm around him. "Then come back to bed, screw work. Someone is down there, time to party." Felix was teasing, obviously, but he felt they had earned some fun and besides, he didn't want to talk about nutrients and how to be healthy and all that bullshit. "Kiss me, you fool."
Holden yelped when he was pulled down, in a way that he'd deny having ever sounded like. Still, he had to laugh when he was in bed, looking at Felix and getting an arm around him in turn, if only to get some purchase. "Someone is down there. Someone who has never even opened the register or manned a shop by himself, so it's not party time just yet."
As tempting as it sounded. "Also, your breath stinks, my love." If he had to be honest here.
"Boo, you uptight loser." He planted a kiss on Holden's cheek and then rolled out from under him, huffing in annoyance as he walked towards their bathroom. "Fine, be a square and -- picky. Whatever." Rolling his eyes playfully, he got his tooth brush and started to brush his teeth, leaning in the bathroom doorway as he watched Holden get up.
And then he asked him a garbled question with his toothbrush in that vaguely translated to: 'when is the meeting today?'
Holden looked into the mirror to try and sort his hair out so he wouldn't look as if he had just tumbled around in a bed - even if that was exactly what he had just done. "It starts at 4:30. I'm hoping to talk Remus into sticking around for it, but it might depend on Sirius."
Here was hoping that Sirius would realise he should stick around for it too. All well, living in the moment and partying, but the support was necessary too. "We should really get sandwiches or something."
Spitting, he rinsed his mouth out and set his toothbrush back, wiping his mouth on a towel before he re-emerged. "It's not fun. First meeting and all. You have to confront your peers. See the men who suffer like you. Watch them die. I remember my first group. I had the shortest expectancy but I'm still standing. No one else is."
And that sucked a lot. He still visited the graves of a few of them who died disowned and alone. He would never stop resenting their families for it. "I'll try and talk him round, see if he can come along. It's good, if not difficult. Community matters."
"He has his parents, but he's trying to protect them from some of it. Still, we all need someone. Something." Holden frowned, crossing his arms. "It's what they like to say about us. That it's a sad life. A lonely life. I almost felt that was true when I was that age. Couldn't hold onto anyone then."
But time had passed. He had gained wisdom and some things have changed. "I've found family here. That's what I want all those young idiots to understand. We are strong when we're together. We've beaten so much and we'll beat this too. Even that damn virus. I believe in that."
"Yeah, we gotta stay positive. HIV positive." Felix teased as he came over to Holden and stroked his hair, trying to make it look less ruffled too. "It ain't a sad and lonely life unless you make it one. There's a lot of us. One in five, ain't it? We aren't as small as people think. We aren't alone either. One day they'll see it. Give it thirty years, maybe forty, and we'll have less to march for. I can feel it."
He pulled away, shrugging, trying not to look at Holden. "I won't live to see it but hopefully, you know, some of those kids will."
"You don't know that, Felix. You are clearly too stubborn to die." His heart hurt, of course it did. He didn't want to even imagine a world without Felix in it. Holden reached for Felix's hand and threaded their fingers together. "You'll keep taking care of yourself and you'll keep proving those doctors wrong. I know you will."
He had to have faith in that too. "As long as you eat a nutritional breakfast, at least."
"I dunno, I hope I die before I'm 50. That's a horrible thought. Honestly, 40 is bad enough." And that one was looming. Fucking yikes to that.
"I'll go eat, you go work and I'll make some snacks for the meeting. Oh and make sure Hartley sits by Remus, we gotta do some creative sitting. Get him off those meds." If he knew anything, it was that AZT was the worst thing to happen to so many of his friends and he didn't like the odds for Remus.
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The gay scene could be a wonderful found family or a hot mess of exclusion, depending on the place. Remus smiled sheepishly and shrugged. "Sorry for getting political. Can't help it."
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"Reminds me. Fire extinguisher is over here. The door in the back here is reinforced, so if you need to and you have the time, hide behind that. Otherwise, never risk yourself for any book. Books can be replaced."
People, not so much. "You are a smart lad, Remus. Your Sirius is too, and he has his heart in the right place, he wants to fight for the cause, he's angry enough to do it, but he also thinks he's invincible. Not surprising." Given the way God had been giving with both hands the day she created him. "Glad you got a good head on your shoulders."
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So he knew how to handle himself, even if he didn't look like it.
"Our sort aren't muscly or badass. We're just nerds. I think we learn faster to be smart and safe, not pick fights we can't win."
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They weren't made to win fights, he supposed. "Do your parents know where you are? How you're doing?"
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And they supported him. He hadn't expected it but there they were, loving and supportive, right to the bitter end. "I got the best parents in the world, they don't need my burden on them."
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Holden shrugged, then chuckled a little. "I can tell you that Sirius would manage to charm your mother. He's very good at that."
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"I wanna feel safe before I gamble. You know? I'm not a risk taker, as ironic as that all is. Being a gay, trans man with AIDS."
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He was sure Remus could relate. "I'll be right back, in case anyone comes in. You can let them browse and I'll show you how to ring up purchases later."
That said he headed through the backdoor, then the rooms in the back and finally up the stairs. He opened the door to their flat and closed it behind him, calling out. "Felix? Are you awake yet, love?"
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Tossing the paper on the floor, he turned and looked at Holden, grinning at him. "How is work going? How's the new hire?"
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"Sirius didn't want to leave. Separation anxiety. Young love." Ah, what a thing that was.
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"I think you worry too much but I guess you have to, cause I know I don't. So someone has to."
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Admittedly. Maybe he wasn't quite that young and full of desire any more. "There's coffee ready. If you ask really nicely, I might be persuaded to bring you some. I don't know about breakfast, what do you want? Eggs? You should get nutrients."
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Impulsively, Felix grabbed Holden's wrists and used the momentum to pull Holden onto the bed on top of him, wrapping a leg and an arm around him. "Then come back to bed, screw work. Someone is down there, time to party." Felix was teasing, obviously, but he felt they had earned some fun and besides, he didn't want to talk about nutrients and how to be healthy and all that bullshit. "Kiss me, you fool."
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As tempting as it sounded. "Also, your breath stinks, my love." If he had to be honest here.
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And then he asked him a garbled question with his toothbrush in that vaguely translated to: 'when is the meeting today?'
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Here was hoping that Sirius would realise he should stick around for it too. All well, living in the moment and partying, but the support was necessary too. "We should really get sandwiches or something."
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And that sucked a lot. He still visited the graves of a few of them who died disowned and alone. He would never stop resenting their families for it. "I'll try and talk him round, see if he can come along. It's good, if not difficult. Community matters."
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But time had passed. He had gained wisdom and some things have changed. "I've found family here. That's what I want all those young idiots to understand. We are strong when we're together. We've beaten so much and we'll beat this too. Even that damn virus. I believe in that."
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He pulled away, shrugging, trying not to look at Holden. "I won't live to see it but hopefully, you know, some of those kids will."
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He had to have faith in that too. "As long as you eat a nutritional breakfast, at least."
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"I'll go eat, you go work and I'll make some snacks for the meeting. Oh and make sure Hartley sits by Remus, we gotta do some creative sitting. Get him off those meds." If he knew anything, it was that AZT was the worst thing to happen to so many of his friends and he didn't like the odds for Remus.