hogwrites | Raising Harry

"I am trying to help him. I'd do anything for him." Sirius remembered James' words, back when he had told him to go to Remus, not him. He turned his head to the side, placed it between Remus' shoulder blades. "You are still too bleeding skinny, mate."

His heart was beating so fast. This felt fragile. False. What was Remus trying to do? "You wanna tell them where I am? Get some dementors to pick me back up. Harsh, Moony."

He scoffed out a laugh. "Can't even blame you either."

"I want to see Harry and make sure he's okay. It has nothing to do with whatever happened between us all. I want to see if the boy is well." That was it. Time for revenge and fighting was later, not now. "Look, I -- I don't know what I think. I never did! I mean... how could you?! It doesn't even make sense -- It's wrong."

Why would he have done it? Sure, he never loved Peter like a brother but he sure did love James so why would he have betrayed him? "And there's everybody calling me the traitor." He had to laugh because it all hurt so much. It didn't make any sense to him and no, he didn't want to sell Sirius out. Even if he was a rat bastard, he loved him.

He couldn't do that to him. "I have far too much mercy for you, Pads. Don't make me hurt you. I couldn't do it." They both knew it.

"I know you couldn't. I'm the killer." Sirius looked straight ahead, steering the motorcycle a little. Maybe he could take him there. Maybe he could allow him to meet Harry. Maybe it would all work out. "That's it though, isn't it? It makes sense. No one would have believed it was you or that it was Peter."

Sirius kept talking, almost just thinking out loud. "I was the powerful one, the dangerous one. Even when we weren't sure about you, Moony... Merlin, I never thought you were out there killing. Anything like that. You couldn't be. You? You are all good, you're soft. Like James... And you like rules way more than I've ever done."

There was a better way to communicate, but this was Sirius' first conversation with an adult in a long time. He didn't do well, it turned out. His mind was getting away from him and he was chuckling again. What a joke, life.

"I wouldn't have killed them. I would have sooner died. Like I'd died for Harry. I only care about the boy, I don't care about old feuds." An understatement but he was scared of arguing and getting offed before he could save the boy. He was afraid. For so many reasons. Mostly that the wind was blowing hard up here so the damn cycle was wobbling and it felt like he could fall off at any moment.

God, this was an actual nightmare.

"And no, it doesn't make sense. It will never make sense. What sense is there? You were their best friend, the godfather, the best man. If it makes sense then maybe I'm mad and I think wrong of people but I never thought that of you!" And to be made to think it? It shattered his heart. Just the idea of Sirius doing something so reckless and suffering for his crimes. It didn't make him feel good. "If it makes sense then so does--does... Severus being a charmer with the ladies. That's about as much sense as this world makes."

Sirius snorted, shaking his head. "Bloody Snivellus. Can't you just see it? Him being a player?" The thought was entertaining, he couldn't deny that. However, the fear and upset in Remus' voice was sobering, perhaps in a good way. Kept him from losing it. If he hadn't lost it already.

"Harry is safe, Remus. He's the most precious boy. Looks like James, with Lily's eyes. You ever been to see him?" Sirius really couldn't understand how Remus could stay away if he had any option. He really was better at rules than him. Whatever. He wouldn't let him stick to them any more.

He was silent for a bit, focusing on the rush of wind. "You still smell like you."

Maybe a weird thing to say. "I like it."

"Nah, wasn't allowed to. Besides, I could hardly pop over, could I? Didn't have the cash either. Getting to Surrey is out of my price range." He couldn't afford his rent so leaving Yorkshire? Difficult. He didn't even try it. He looked at the clouds and shivered as the wind hit him, feeling everything getting a bit much. He laughed bitterly but he wanted to cry.

"Like what? Wet wolf? Yeah, still got that smell on me. Doesn't exactly shift, does it?"

With a hard swallow, he tried his best not to fall into this trap. God, he missed Sirius. He missed him so much. "Dunno why you like it but then, you are a dog."

"True that. And you smell good. Didn't I tell you that first day we met?" Seemed like Remus should be reminded of that. Given how upset he sounded. Although, yes, of course he knew that wasn't the actual cause of his upset. How did he do it? Why didn't he already explain?

He was scared, he realised. Scared that he could lay it all out there and still not be believed. "I'm a coward."

He sighed, breathed against Remus' neck and then he finally spoke. "He's alive, Moony. Wormtail. The bloody rat. He's alive."

"... No, he's not. He died. I -- they showed me his bloody finger." It was revolting. God, Peter. His idiot friend. Was it mean to think of him that way? Hard not to. He wasn't the brightest boy and he had started to drift later in their friendship but he assumed that was paranoid. He was a werewolf, after all. He blamed no one for their odd behaviour towards him, he always assumed they had an excuse.

"He couldn't be." He didn't like where this was going because if he was alive then -- then this changed a lot. "He-- he's too stupid to have done anything, Pads. He's not devious, not got the brain for it."

"Maybe not. That's what we all thought, wasn't it?" Sirius laughed, shaking his head. "Poor Peter. Couldn't find his way out of a paper bag. Always just there, tagging along with stronger friends. Hiding behind me and James."

It wasn't as if they didn't know. He had liked Peter, once. He had looked down on him a lot too, couldn't deny that, often found him annoying. Especially in his stupid, moon-eyed admiration of James. Not good for that boy's ego, that much was for sure. "Only, you know, then? Didn't look like we were all that strong anymore, did it? No good for hiding behind. So I guess he went out and found stronger friends."

That was the best he could ever read into the scenario. "Think they gave him advice. Taught him a trick or two. Remus, mate, that curse that blew up the street? Twelve muggles dead and poor, innocent Peter? Couldn't have been him. Had to be power behind a curse like that, and intent. Only... Think we got him wrong. Thought too little and too much at once."

Sirius was laughing again. It was hard to stop.

"... No."

Not Peter. Why? Why would he do that? He was a soft, stupid boy. He liked potatoes, candy, playing around. They play wrestled over chocolate frogs all the bloody time and Peter always piggy backed him from the woods in the mornings before everyone else had their growth spurts. Ironically, Peter had his first.

It didn't make him happier to know that if Sirius didn't do it, Peter did. But it made perfect sense. Anger built up in him and he glared. "I'll kill the slimy little bastard."

"Rats are small. Good luck finding him." Sirius spoke quickly, because suddenly this felt like it could slip through his fingers if he missed the moment. The moment where he was finally believed. "It was my idea."

His voice sounded hoarse. The guilt didn't lessen, just because he had been punished for something he hadn't done. What he had done was bad enough, mistake or not. "I suggested it to James and Lily. Pick Wormtail, not me. Who would suspect it? Thought I was bloody brilliant, I did. They'd go after me, never him. Only, he went to them. Went right to You Know Who's doorstep, probably."

"It wasn't a bad idea, Pads. You didn't know. It's not you, it's him."

He was very easily convinced, moreso than most might be but, well, Remus was desperate. He wanted his friends, he wanted his former crush and, honestly, he didn't want to fight any more. It was more logical to him that Peter could do it than Sirius and that was all he wanted to hear.

"So... when you gonna go down?" Cause this was horrifying. "Can't you drive it like a normal muggle?"

"I'm not a normal muggle, I'm an insane pure-blood," Sirius informed Remus, while stirring the motorcycle down a little. He should probably get a clearer idea of where they were at, anyway. This still felt fragile, but he was at least as desperate as Remus. Maybe more so. "We're going to my uncle's old house. It's in my possession. All Black stuff is, it's kind of insane. Ancient magic and all, doesn't matter that I got disowned."

He was entertained by that. "Harry is there. I told him about you already. He loves you. He's... He's like James, you know? He wants people to be happy."

"I always liked the sounds of your uncle." He was a delight compared to all the other Blacks. Not that he'd met many besides Sirius and his brother. And his brother had been a bit of a dolt so he wasn't really calling high in his standards. "I can imagine he's a lot like James. That kind of spirit doesn't get broken. Him and Lily, they were unstoppable. Their son will be too."

If he took even a little after his father and mother, he'd be the boy he imagined.

"We are close now. Remus, I need you. That's why I came to get you. I can't get anything in Diagon Alley or whatever. Need potion ingredients, need supplies... I mean, Harry's school age now, but I can't exactly show up at any school. I reckon he can't really either. They'd question him on me, if they ever catch on."

Why did it have to be so complicated? Long-term planning had never been a particular strength of his, as complex as his pranks might have gotten at times. "I've been trying to teach him, but... Blimey, Moony, you know how bad I always was with it all. I just keep tossing around balls with him instead."

"So you've taught him to catch and --" The bike jostled and Remus yelped and turned around, gripping onto Sirius. Landing and going down was as bad as bloody flying. Closing his eyes, he gulped. "Urgh, God, Pads. Just tell me when we hit solid ground and then we can discuss how I will teach the boy."

Yes, of course he was volunteering. Like he'd ever do anything else. This was what it was and he wasn't going back now. He could, however, take care of the boy himself. Once Sirius was done scaring him.

Sirius laughed, but it was a nicer laugh this time. No crazed or bitter edge. Just a soft laugh as he brought the bike down all the way, as he finally landed. As always, the house wasn't much to look at, but he felt no need to tell Remus that it was better inside. He was a wizard, he'd know. "I didn't tell Harry I'd do this, I just told him to stay home and play."

He was very responsible. "Let's surprise him."

That said he got off the bike, only to turn around immediately, put his hand into his pocket and offer Remus' wand out to him again. "So, were you more scared of me or of flying?"

"Is he gonna be okay alone? Was that smart? Merlin, Sirius, what he got hurt?" He got that there was little other option but still. On behalf of Lily, he whacked the dolt on the arm before he slid off the bike and onto solid ground. He felt rather sick now. He snatched his wand back and gave Sirius a glare.

"Flying. Obviously. You know I hate flying."

Could barely get on his broom. It always drove James mad, he wanted to broom off everywhere and Remus was far more fond of a stroll.

"He's a very responsible little boy. I'm more likely to hurt myself than he is!" Still, now he was worried. He entered the house, made sure that the wards on it would let Remus pass as well and then he called out immediately, looking around. "Harry?! I'm back!"

He hadn't been worried until just now, but suddenly he was filled with worry. "Harry? I brought your nanny!"

Well. He was filled with worry, not with an inability to crack a joke.

Remus slapped his arm in annoyance. "Oi."

Harry came rushing through the living room and out into the hallway, flying at Sirius and hugging his leg because it was scary to be alone and he wasn't sure if Sirius would come back or not so it was kind of tense. He didn't do much. Mostly just threw the ball around and explored. "I miss you."

Remus watched the boy with great interest. "He looks like James, you're right..."

Sirius bent down and picked Harry up, holding him in his arms so he would know he was safe and loved on. "I missed you too, golden boy. But I'm back now, don't worry."

He gestured to Remus, smiling so Harry would know it was all right. Not a scary stranger. "Can you guess who that is, Harry? He really wanted to see you."

And Harry had brought up Remus again a couple time since that first story time, so Sirius hoped he would have the right association.

"He knew my dad and he's a friend? ... Is he Remus?" Harry was wondering if it was, he knew that name the best out of all of dad's friends. Well. Not that he knew more than two but still. Remus was flattered that the boy even knew about him. He smiled and nodded, wishing he looked a bit less shabby for this first meeting.

"Hello, Harry. You're right. I'm Remus, it's lovely to see you."

Harry smiled and then leaned up so he could whisper in Sirius' ear as subtle as he could. Which wasn't very. "You need to invite him in for tea so he can sit down."

"Right you are. Harry's helping me with all those manners I tried to forget so hard." He smirked at Remus. "Come on in, mate. Have tea. And a house and a life and never leave again."

Maybe he was going slightly overboard, but he reached for Remus' hand and gave it a squeeze, trying to put into his expression all that he felt. A mess of emotions, really. He hadn't even properly processed it yet. That Remus really believed him. That someone believed him. "Remus said he wants to help me teach you, Harry."

"You always move so fast, Pads. Honestly." Remus was smiling through, hurrying after Sirius with a bright smile and waving at Harry as he watched him over Sirius' shoulder as they moved to the living room. Once there, Remus took a seat and looked around. "It's nice here. Could use some light though." Especially since they had a child - the grim, dark of the house had a cool gothic vibe but not a 'kids are safe here' vibe.

"It's a haunted mansion." Harry found it exciting. Except when it got to night time, then he cried sometimes because he thought ghosts and monsters were around. "Sirius, you should put the kettle on." He was very helpful.

"Look at you, ordering me around." Sirius bopped Harry's nose, but he got up, walking just far enough to get a kettle from the kitchen and hang it over the fireplace in the living room. There, he didn't feel like doing anything more. "This place is delightful compared to Grimmauld Place. I've been telling Harry."

Which maybe didn't help his fears, but hey. Made for good scary stories. "At least there's a lot less cursed stuff and I locked most of it away by now."

Dark houses with scary items all around seemed like a pretty normal childhood environment for Sirius. For obvious reasons.

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